Cheats and cookies and good food

I use my bujo to track my weightloss. Well, I just started, but this is how it’s looking so far:

The pink is my weight and the blue/green is my belly. I’ve lost a total of 11kg from my heaviest right now.

I have my mealplan and everything in my bujo. It’s a own-made one since I can’t actually afford to pay someone to help me. But it’s ok, it’s working. Now that my body (because of my health) is doing better it is better at doing what I want it to.

I’m really good at sticking to my one-cookie-a-day plan (when reading). I eat healthy food that I really love, I always choose food that I WANT and that I think is GOOD so I’m never missing out on anything 🙂 And then there’s the cheat meal once/week, mmm!!

Today however…. today I am so close to losing my mind, so I ate 10 cookies and a bag of crisps! I’m getting my birthcontrol injection on thursday so.. My hormones are all over the place. Crying – laughing – anger – crying – sulking and so on and on and on.

But whatever. It’s one time 🙂


Weight, numbers, photos

The week that has now come to and end has not had much in it.

Since 2 weeks ago, nothing has changed when it comes to my weight, I’m on the same number as then. But like I’ve said before, I’m in a lot of pain, I’m taking painkillers, I’m giving all my energy to feeling better. And it’s almost time to get an injection for birthcontrol, so I’m retaining quite a bit of water… So it’s a good thing, I haven’t gained anything 🙂

I have been walking and eating healthy and taking care of myself (I keep looking at the photo I wrote about yesterday, it just makes me happy!)

Oh yeah, I snuk in a cheeseburger there and it was goood!!

The week really went by in a hurry to me. I’ve started to learn better spanish (I’ve bought the Harry Potter books in spanish and I’m reading them no to learn more).

I’ll see you tomorrow!


This morning I saw that a part of my upper back was all red. A triangle 🙂 I missed that part whit my dearly beloved spf 50+ yesterday. Shoot…

It’s almost a perfect triangle, a little rounded, but it looks pretty cute. So I thought I would take a picture of it. I stood in front of the mirror, turned my back, held up my phone/camera and I realized, “hey, I look damn good naked!” So I went ahead and took two photos of myself from the side/back. In the nude. I really LOVE both pictures! That has never happened before, so happiness was pretty high.

At first, I just figured I would have them to remind me of that feeling. Then I thought I should post them on instagram and # bodypositive and show that, when overweight, you can a) look great as hell naked and b) be happy with yourself.

Lately we’ve seen LOTS of naked men, from behind, on all kinds of social media and they have gotten so much positive respons. So that was good.

Or nah…

I realized I can’t post any of those 2 pictures of me. Not because there is anything wrong with them. But I am a woman and I am not thin.

A fit man can post it and get really positive respons.

A fit woman can post it and get a mixture of positive and negative respons (a lot of “slut” and “whore” will be commented).

An overweight woman can post it and get nasty comments.

From the angle I took the photos, I don’t look big, so I’m guessing the comments would be more like the ones a fit woman would get. Still sad…

Had I been male, I could easily post.

I am female, I am looking for a job = I can’t post it.

We all know a woman will get judged way worse than a man, men who post these kinds of photos are celebrated. Women who post them, as a way to celebrate all types of bodies, get fired. So I had to chose. Post or not to post? Celebrate the female body and risk not getting hired?

I can’t afford to take any chanses… I’m not a fit male, so… I took another photo, fully dressed, and posted that instead…

I would like to post the others as well. But I need an income again, and can’t risk it.

So there will be no # bodypositive post from me in the way I wanted. But I did get to post this, here, about the double standards regarding what you can and can not do depending on what’s between your legs.

I would also like to add, I look hot as hell both with and without clothes! But since society is the way it is, you’re gonna have to take my word for 50% of that 😉

My mental wellness

Physical wellbeing/wellness is so important. But often, mental wellness is forgotten. It is, however, much more important. If your head isn’t where it should, nothing will work as it is supposed.

I always take time to sit back and relax, breathe, do what I can to lower my stress levels. But what helps me the most, is the geek within me 🙂

With these things (and so… sooo… many more) I feel pretty good. However, I really need a new job so I can keep buying!

I love to read, I love science, I love Doctor Who, I love Stargate SG1, I just love so many things. The downside to it is how expensive it is (when out of work). The upside is that I always have something to do! When I feel myself gowing the wrong way, mentally, I know I can “get it together” with the help of the geek inside me. And a bit of chocolate when needed 😛

Sitting, breathing, relaxing, reading, thinking, humming, looking… just taking it easy, is much forgotten in the world today. If you’re on the bus you hear people screaming and shouting. If you go to dinner people around will be on their phones. If you do anything at all, people will stress and stress and stress.

Please remember to stop, breathe and relax!

I want to make it very clear, that I do not have a depression or anything like that. If I did, this would not help. It is not that easy to recover from a depression. When I write about mental wellness, it is solely my own I am talking about. This, above, is what is keeping my head above the surface. I have two types of tachycardia and I am not physically well, it is more than enough to really tear you apart…

“Weight is just a number”

Quite often, we hear that “weight is just a number”, and I agree, absolutely. But that number can hold so much Power over you. Not just over how people feel, but over so many things around you.
I need help with my breasts, a reduction. My neck, shoulders, and my upper back are in costant pain and I’m always on painkillers. But I can’t get that surgery, not yet. The numbers on the scale says I’m not allowed. Now, this is surgery I need for my physical (and to some extent, my mental) wellbeing, but it’s not happening, not for a while.

A woman I know went to the doctor with pain in a leg. The doctor told her to lose weight.
She left. Sad, of course. She got no help at all, just those words “lose some weight and it will get better”. Later she found out that she actually had a fracture in her leg. Her bone was breaking, she was in serious pain, but the doctor ignored it (and her) because of the number on the scale.

“Weight is just a number!”

When I was at my heaviest, closing in on 100kg, I didn’t think it was that bad. I didn’t eat too much, I didn’t have that much unhealthy food etc. I liked myself. But I did notice that, as time went by, finding clothes that would fit was getting harder and harder, and let’s not talk about jeans… sweet someone, no…
I finally did step on a scale. I had one, I just didn’t care about it. I didn’t feel fat. I didn’t feel overweight. I just felt good about myself.
When I saw the number I was in shock! What just happened? How the heck did I get there? I’m not even overweight.. wait… that’s not what the scale says… I am. And not just overweight, I’m fat!! I couldn’t wrap my head around it, I didn’t understand it. How could I? It just didn’t make any sense…

After some days of thinking (“why hadn’t anyone told me?”, “how could I not have seen it coming?” etc) I could finally put 2 and 2 together.
So this is why my back is hurting? This is why my joints are hurting? This is why the clothes… I didn’t want to think any more about that part.
Now, here’s the thing about my weightgain. It happened fast. I mean FAST! I went from 48kg to 98kg in less than a year!! I more than doubled ,y weight in less than 12 months!
I didn’t eat that much. I didn’t eat that much sweets. I was outdoors, walking, a lot since I had a dog. Something had to be wrong… And that’s pretty much where my personal hell began. Doctors…

Whe you’re overweight and go see a doctor, everything is always to be blamed on your weight. If you want help, because you don’t understand why you gained that weight? Oh no, don’t you try that, you are made out to be a lier… Yup. That’s what I got from one doctor after another (and quite a few nurses). “If you really ate like you say you do, and walked as much as you claim, then you wouldn’t look like you do!”
I will NEVER forget the first time I was told that. Yeah, first time, it happen quite a few times actually…
I tried to argue that yes, I AM eating like I tell you, and I AM walking as much as I tell you, therefor something MUST be wrong, please help me! Nope… they couldn’t help me UNLESS I STOPPED LYING!!! Oh that right there isn’t a typo, they really said that!

It took SIX YEARS and quite a few doctors before I had signed up at a new healthcare central (in Sweden, you can get listed at a healthcare central and choose what doctor you want as “yours”) and met with a wonderful doctor (in training) that my mum had also gone to. Now, she had a weightproblem too. When she started at this healthcare central, they had a look at her thyroid, and guess what? Medication needed!
My mum then told the doctor that I had severe weightproblems too and the doctor told her that I should call and get my thyroid tested, this often goes mother to daughter. Said and done, was I lying? No, my freaking thyroid had gone wonkers!!
I told this doctor what I had been through and she just stared at me, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She told me that in cases such as mine, you ALWAYS suspect the thyroid!

I was then put on medication right away, they said it usually take 6 months before kicking in. For me, it took 8 months. Then holy wow I lost weight! By that time I had also joined my first ever gym (I thought that would help me lose weight, but alas… not without medication).

I lost 25kg in pretty much no time at all. I was so happy! My hips didn’t hurt, my knees didn’t hurt, etc. I had about 8kg left to lose (I still had a bit of a tummy) and then nothing. I struggled like you wouldn’t believe (well, some of you will), but nothing happened. In the end, after a full year of nothing, I started to gain weight again! This time, we knew about my thyroid, so I called the doctors. And guess, freaking, what? “Naah, it’s not your thyroid this time, your bloodwork is fine.” No help… None!
A while later (early this year) I got RELLY sick. I could hardly breathe or anything. Even with that I was ignored. I told them that I was gaining weight like crazy (4-6kg/week!!) but no, no help…

When I had gained all that it appears I would gain (16kg) I was so sad. Not for the weightgain itself, but for the crappy way doctors talked to me…
In january I reached my “peak” or whatever I shoud call it. Now I was even further away from that surgery I desperatly need… I was in way worse pain than I was before… I had ONE pair of jeans that fit and ONE shirt. That was it. And of course I work 50% so I couldn’t afford to buy anything new… (I have managed to buy a few things since then, thankfully.)
In may, only 3 small weeks ago, my weight started going down again. I’m not doing anything different. I’m not eating less, I’m not out walking more, I even go to the gym less because of my back andd neck has been acting up.
What was the problem? I still don’t know… But I will tell you this, if this ever happens again, there will be hell! I will not give those doctors another go at me!

During all this time. From me gaining weight to me losing weight to me being where I am now. I have kept hearing that “weight is just a number”. Yes it is. But no, it isn’t.
That number will decide what kind of medical help you get.
That number will tell people (doctors, nurses, etc) that it’s ok to be rude to you.
That number will make it ok for others to shame you for eating a piece of chocolate.
That number will make it ok for people to laugh at you in the gym (yes, it happens).
That number will make a person cry themselves to sleep (I have and I still do sometimes).
That number will make it perfectly clear to you, that your are not as much worth as the person with a lower number.

So yeah, weight is just a number. But that number, it will decide how you are being treated.

Do you want to lose weight? Go for it!
Are you happy wih where you are? That’s awesome!
Would you never dream of losing weight no matter what? I’m sohappy for you!

If you have any questions or thought on this, feel free to comment, I don’t mind, not at all. Just don’t be rude, then I will hit delete and block 🙂

And I would walk 500 more

My body doesn’t respond well to painkillers, I can take paracetamol (Panodil, Pamol & Alvedon) without any problems. Those are the mildest you can find in Sweden (that you don’t need to see a doctor to get). I can also take Tramadol, something that is a bit like morphine. I’m not too fond of it since I don’t like the clouded mind I get…

The problem here is that I currently have an injured back. A disk went bye-bye… That’s something you normally get really HEAVY pain medication for. Me? Suck it up, buddy! Yeah… Now, on the positive side, I’m surprisingly good at getting injured (you need to be the best at something, am I right?) so being in pain isn’t really something that’s new to me. I tend not to be too bothered by pain (unless it’s my neck or head!!! then it’s straight up KMN please…). But this time… the injury is really low, just a little above my tailbone, and it… is… killing… me… I can’t even put on trousers or a skirt, or even pants, without almost screaming from pain… It’s horrible!!

They told me to walk it off. Literally! Walking will help with recovery. And guess what, it also seem to be pretty good for the pain! It doesn’t make it go away, but it will lessen a bit while walking and for a little while after.

Wait… what was my point in writing this?

…. Right…

Since walking is the only thing I can do right now, I sat down yesterday and made a tracker for my “500 miles” walk.

Nooo, I’m not walking 500 miles in one go. I’m not THAT desperate from the pain! (Yet…)

I love, love, LOOOVE the song ‘500 miles’ by The Proclaimers (David Tennant and the staff from Doctor Who made that obsession even greater!). So I figured, 500 miles and then 500 more. That was ~ 160 swedish miles (metric miles). I do like walking. It’s something I can pretty much always do. Why the heck not?

I’m gonna walk 500 miles and the 500 more! Oh, and I must have a tracker in my bullet journal for it!

So here it is:

I know I’m not the best at drawing this, but I don’t care, I love it!

To the right, the face have x:es for eyes and then there’s sweat and then walking on hands and knees because, well, by then it HAS been 500 miles and 500 more!

The tiny bit of purple in the beginning is what I walked today, 8km. And as I wrote on my instagram ( @jeas_wellness ), “slut” is not me losing my marbles, it’s the swedish word for “finish/the end”.

I like it. It’s something fun that will help motivate me when everything is grey and sad and blaah.

Do you have fun motivaters such as this? Or other?

Another week is gone..

Just over a week ago I injured my back. The train was sooo overcrowded that it just got too hot and my blood pressure droped and I passed out. Now my lower back refuses to get better. One of my disks just went “nooope”… So as for now, walking is all I can do. I do some yoga stretches for my upperback, but that’s it..

Normally, I would update you with how my weight is going, but since I injured my back, I’ve been having problems with bloating, swellings and all kinds of things, so I decided not to bother right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going on a binge or anything (I would in the old days..), I’m just focusing all that I have on my wellbeing.

I haven’t been doing much this week (du’uh), but here are some photos 🙂

I went to Copenhagen Zoo and I finally saw the baby elephant!

The penguins are getting a new living area, so they are staying indoors while they wait. They have a pretty large area to explore and, wow, they are super curious! They walked right up to us!

I’m gonna show you more of my workout tracker tomorrow (and some other fun things from my bullet journal). Aaaand as I’m writing this I can’t remember if I have shown you the tracker already…. well, if I have, you will see something else tomorrow 🙂

Cravings… I simply need that to look forward to

I get cravings for all kinds of things ALL. THE. TIME! Losing weight/getting healthier isn’t always easy even if you are really good at making the right choices.

My cravings are for both food amd sweets. Anything from a second and a third portion of food, to that 200g chocolate bar. Neither is a very smart choice.

Mostly it’s all avout ignoring that evil little voice in the back of your head telling you that “it’s only one time” or “it’s really bot that big of a deal, it’s not THAT much extra” etc. If you’re anything like me, you know that it IS a big deal and that it IS that much extra. For that one time will turn in to another. And another. And another…

I have my super-awesome wookiee-cookies jar and it is filled with chocolate chip cookies. Oh yes!

(Those are the first cookies I tried. They were darn yummy too.)

Every day, I have a cookie (some times, I have 2!!) when I’m reading in the evening. That way it is easier to say no to that evil voice. I know I have a treat waiting for me.

The reason I chose to plan this for my days, is that I know I need to have something to keep me “in line”. I simply need that to look forward to.


Oh, how I love food!!

I really do. I love food! People think that this is why I gained weight in the beginning. It’s not. That would be my thyroid. But it’s still easy to eat way too much. I will gladly go back for more.

Since I have POTS, I have to really think about what I eat and how much. Right there is “no more seconds!”… No sugar. No rice. No pasta. Very little potatoes of it’s not late and I’m not doing anything after eating.

This is mostly what I eat:

It’s really good food and I really love it! (I do, however, miss lots of yummy things). As for my weightloss, well, it doesn’t suffer from the food I eat 🙂

Today, I actually had pizza since I’m coming down with a cold and I feel like crap. I had it at ~ 16.30 and now, at 19.50, I’m still flat on my back on the sofa trying to function.. I’ve been trying to go to bed since 18 but my body just will not cooperate. I’m gonna try again when this is posted.

Tomorrow… I’m thinking chicken. Since I’m not well I won’t be doing anything tomorrow night, so there will most likely be mashed potatoes!!

Good night 💖

Workout tracker

After way too many “POTS days” my body is slowly getting better. The biggest sign of that, is the fact that I’ve actually started to lose weight again! It has taken sooo long… I kid you not, I have been crying myself to sleep more than once because of how bad I felt, both in regards to my POTS and to my physical health because of my weight.

For exactly one month now (today) I have been bullet journaling. Yesterday I saw a workouttracker that some had made, and it inspired my own. I haven’t had a very good one as I could bot figure put how I wanted it. But here it is:

I am so happy with it! (I have already fixed the second o in ‘workout’.)

Today I had a full day at Copenhagen Zoo, I was supposed to wrote down how many steps that turned in to, but my Razer Nabu died at around 13.00… It came go 7160 then nothing, but oh well. I was there for 2 more hours so 🙂

I use my bullet journal for pretty much everything, and it is absolutely BRILLIANT!!