Being called fat by my doctor, behind my back.

You know that feeling of hitting rock bottom? THE rock bottom. Your own, personal lowest. That SHOCK of not understanding what happened, how it happened, or how in the world anything could ever get better.

I’ve felt that before. Or I thought so. But I kept on falling.

Now I know that where I have been before was not it. This is. This is as low as I can go. The understanding of that, and actually knowing to 100% (unlike before) that this is it has made an impact.

The last month, I’ve been in bad shape medically and it’s under investigation. Or so they say… By now, I know better than to trust doctors to actually help me.

My talk with the doctor, the first one that sent me to really get checked up, went good. Or so I thought… I told her about my problems with my weight, that it doesn’t matter what I eat/don’t eat or how much I move, I gain weight. And she listened. Again – ‘or so I thought’.

There’s a website, 1177, where you (in Sweden) can see what doctors, nurses, etc, write about your meeting with them.

Even though I talked (I, not we, she said nothing back, just nodded) about my weight, we never went in to details. So imagine my surprise when I logged in to 1177 a few days later and saw her writing about me being fat. Yeah… fat. She never, not once, said ANYTHING to my face, buy she wrote that about me.

Here’s the thing – yes, I’ve gained weight, yes, it has been gained around my middle, yes, it is 17kg that has been put on there, but there is also the ‘yes, I’ve asked doctors for help, I’ve BEGGED them for help’. I’ve been asking for help since early 2016. NOTHING!! “Nah, your thyroidmedication is working fine!” THAT’S what I’ve gotten from doctors’ working in the very same office as her. Nothing. And as I, agaaain, beg for help, I’m not met with anything more than “we’ll check your thyroid” and then reading about being fat…

If you’ll look below, you can see a new photo of me. All that belly is what I’ve been begging for help for. That is also what I’m being called fat for. Overweight? Absolutely! Fat? Not really.

This photo was taken yesterday, and the weight is the exact same as when I went to see the doctor. (Yeah, I need to clean up, but my back is hurting like hell so it’s just gonna have to wait a few more days.)

So, now what do I do? I don’t know. I don’t even know if they will bother to keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me… They didn’t care last time… I was even told I wasn’t allowed back for the same symptoms!!

Tomorrow, I will go to the gym. I will jog on the treadmill. It’s not something my body is really up for (due to my POTS and way too many tachycardia “episodes” lately), but I am VERY close to desperate. No, you know what, I AM desperate. I can’t go on feeling this bad any longer. I just can’t. This is me, doing whatever it takes, to TRY to get out of this crap situation, because doctors don’t actually care…


And I would walk 500 more

My body doesn’t respond well to painkillers, I can take paracetamol (Panodil, Pamol & Alvedon) without any problems. Those are the mildest you can find in Sweden (that you don’t need to see a doctor to get). I can also take Tramadol, something that is a bit like morphine. I’m not too fond of it since I don’t like the clouded mind I get…

The problem here is that I currently have an injured back. A disk went bye-bye… That’s something you normally get really HEAVY pain medication for. Me? Suck it up, buddy! Yeah… Now, on the positive side, I’m surprisingly good at getting injured (you need to be the best at something, am I right?) so being in pain isn’t really something that’s new to me. I tend not to be too bothered by pain (unless it’s my neck or head!!! then it’s straight up KMN please…). But this time… the injury is really low, just a little above my tailbone, and it… is… killing… me… I can’t even put on trousers or a skirt, or even pants, without almost screaming from pain… It’s horrible!!

They told me to walk it off. Literally! Walking will help with recovery. And guess what, it also seem to be pretty good for the pain! It doesn’t make it go away, but it will lessen a bit while walking and for a little while after.

Wait… what was my point in writing this?

…. Right…

Since walking is the only thing I can do right now, I sat down yesterday and made a tracker for my “500 miles” walk.

Nooo, I’m not walking 500 miles in one go. I’m not THAT desperate from the pain! (Yet…)

I love, love, LOOOVE the song ‘500 miles’ by The Proclaimers (David Tennant and the staff from Doctor Who made that obsession even greater!). So I figured, 500 miles and then 500 more. That was ~ 160 swedish miles (metric miles). I do like walking. It’s something I can pretty much always do. Why the heck not?

I’m gonna walk 500 miles and the 500 more! Oh, and I must have a tracker in my bullet journal for it!

So here it is:

I know I’m not the best at drawing this, but I don’t care, I love it!

To the right, the face have x:es for eyes and then there’s sweat and then walking on hands and knees because, well, by then it HAS been 500 miles and 500 more!

The tiny bit of purple in the beginning is what I walked today, 8km. And as I wrote on my instagram ( @jeas_wellness ), “slut” is not me losing my marbles, it’s the swedish word for “finish/the end”.

I like it. It’s something fun that will help motivate me when everything is grey and sad and blaah.

Do you have fun motivaters such as this? Or other?

Another week is gone..

Just over a week ago I injured my back. The train was sooo overcrowded that it just got too hot and my blood pressure droped and I passed out. Now my lower back refuses to get better. One of my disks just went “nooope”… So as for now, walking is all I can do. I do some yoga stretches for my upperback, but that’s it..

Normally, I would update you with how my weight is going, but since I injured my back, I’ve been having problems with bloating, swellings and all kinds of things, so I decided not to bother right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going on a binge or anything (I would in the old days..), I’m just focusing all that I have on my wellbeing.

I haven’t been doing much this week (du’uh), but here are some photos 🙂

I went to Copenhagen Zoo and I finally saw the baby elephant!

The penguins are getting a new living area, so they are staying indoors while they wait. They have a pretty large area to explore and, wow, they are super curious! They walked right up to us!

I’m gonna show you more of my workout tracker tomorrow (and some other fun things from my bullet journal). Aaaand as I’m writing this I can’t remember if I have shown you the tracker already…. well, if I have, you will see something else tomorrow 🙂

Workout tracker

After way too many “POTS days” my body is slowly getting better. The biggest sign of that, is the fact that I’ve actually started to lose weight again! It has taken sooo long… I kid you not, I have been crying myself to sleep more than once because of how bad I felt, both in regards to my POTS and to my physical health because of my weight.

For exactly one month now (today) I have been bullet journaling. Yesterday I saw a workouttracker that some had made, and it inspired my own. I haven’t had a very good one as I could bot figure put how I wanted it. But here it is:

I am so happy with it! (I have already fixed the second o in ‘workout’.)

Today I had a full day at Copenhagen Zoo, I was supposed to wrote down how many steps that turned in to, but my Razer Nabu died at around 13.00… It came go 7160 then nothing, but oh well. I was there for 2 more hours so 🙂

I use my bullet journal for pretty much everything, and it is absolutely BRILLIANT!!

Goodness me I sound bitter now (but it does get better!)

Oh my, about a month since last time…
I’ve had to rethink and replan (wait, is that a word?) my journey to a healthier me. I’ve taken the new advice and I’ve changed the things I’ve been able to so far. Now, it’s the rest of them 🙂

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve gained loads of weight and I don’t really know why. Iäve already lost some over my tummy (no weight, just size).

So yeah, I’ve got that going for me. Good, good… I’m back in the gym, doing physical therapy, and as much of other things as I can. Was I back last time I wrote? I can’t remember…

I’m still having an extremely difficult time losing weight, and I really don’t know why. People tell me that I hould go to the doctors, but you know what? All I get there is “your bloodwork is fine”. That’s it. First the “you need to lose weight” and then a big, fat, nothing. Pun not intended… I have begged for help, but nope, nothing, nada, njet, nej… Ok then, so sorry to bother you and try to get you to do your job and hel me get better and LESS SICK! Weightloss for me is a good thing for hem too. I wouln’t have to come in as often for my back-, neck- and shoulderpains. I wouldn’t have to get as much paracetamol prescribed. I wouldn’t have to take up their time for minor things that weightloss can clearly help with! But no. There’s nothing showing in my blood, so naaah, why bother, right?

Oh goodness me I sound bitter now… I suppose a part of me is. Against them. I have worked so hard for so many years, ON MY OWN. Not asking them for help at all. Now that I need it, I get nothing. So yes, I AM a bit bitter, thank you!

Aaand, deep breath. A really good count to 10 (000)!

So. In related news…
I have added a Little buddy to my kitchen, have  look:

My little adipose I had at work is now living there! All things seen next to it is new. I needed something to make it more fun to eat. I kept forgetting to tak something out of the freezer and had to go out to buy food. And we all now what happens when you do that while hungry…
Turned out I really like balsamic vinegar on my salads, a bit of a surprise really 🙂

I have redone my schedule when it comes to the gym and my physical therapy. I had to, I was slowly losing my mind over it…
All is written down, carefully, in my new bullet journal (awesome btw!!) and I’m getting petty god at doing what I actually have to do. Even things you like doing gets hard to do when they become a must.
In my bullet journal, I have a page for my blog. One page/month to be precise. Every time I get an idea about a blogpost, I write it down there, next t the date I will write about it. That way I won’t forget to check in here 🙂

Oh. Aaand I may or may not have gotten rid of my hair again 🙂

I love it 🙂

The best place on earth!

Can you guess where I am? Hint, there are pillows. Oh you got it, I’m in bed 🙂

Something has happened that drained all my energi (yes, my POTS does not react well to certain things, such as stress). Fortunately, I had already decided to have a rest day today. Not because my neck is getting better, but because each and every muscle in my body is sore from physical therapy!! Oh sweet someone I can hardly even laugh…
Before going to bed, I packed my gym clothes for tomorrow. I even chose a shirt that’s a bit tight. Due to healthreasons, I have gained 17kg… And this is killing me mentally. Not the fact that I’ve gained weight, but the fact that I have NOT EATEN in a way that could cause it… I’m hoping that now, while I’m between jobs, I can focus fully on my health and lose that weight (and an additional 10kg). What’s the point of me telling you this? The shirt I chose, was a pretty big deal for me. I love myself, but I’m always so sure people are looking (aren’t we all?). But now I just thought “f*ck it, this one is so comfortable!” and grabbed it!

Now here comes a bit TMI for some, but I have pretty big boobs, H-cup. And they’re “weightloss boobs” = not even close to the “ideal” look. At my last gym, there were quite a few people who liked to point and laugh at every body that didn’t fit the so-called ideal body. I hated it there, and left without even finding a new gym. I didn’t want to set foot at one. THAT’S how bad I felt. I felt ugly, fat, discusting, and just completely worthless…

Now… Now I go to Nordic Wellness at Emporia/Hyllie. I started there just over a year ago (after learning to love myself again). It’s so different here! Not once have I been laughed at in the shower because of how I look. Not once have someone looked funny at me for being a bit bigger. Not once. So now I shower and dress without a care. And I pick that shirt, the one that’s a bit tight.

And here I am. In bed, happy with myself. Happy over what I chose for myself. Happy that I feel this good at the gym.

But most important of all, I’m happy because I get to go to sleep now!

Working out to lose weight

What to choose, what to choose… How DO you choose?

If you haven’t worked out before, it can be hard to choose what to do, what’s for you. For me it was easy, there was a gym 2 minutes away that had nothing but weights. So lazy me just went with it. Luckily, I loved it!

Can you do any kind of exercise when losing weight? Yes, absolutely!
Do you like yoga? Do it.
Do you prefer Zumba? Go for it.
Are you curious about Bodypump? Try it out.
Do you want nothing to do with any of it? You dont have to!
I will say this though, try something before deciding it’s not for you! You’ll be surprised how many people change their minds after just one go.
I may have, sort of, forced my mother to try Zumba, something she has been VERY vocal about NEVER trying! Never, in a million years, would she EVER set foot in the same room as a Zumba class. After? She was hooked, she’s absoutely in love with it!

I like yoga, Bodybalance, Zumba, lifting weights, and, in a way, HIIT and cardio.
At the moment, I only do HIIT, cardio and weight lifting. My POTs isn’t well enough for the rest. But it’s never too late 🙂

So what if you decide you don’t like it at all? None of it. Or if it’s just too expensive for you? Because joining a gym can be hell on yor wallet. Do you really need to work out to lose weight?
No, you don’t. Working out, in what ever form it may be, is a bonus for your body. It’s as simple as this – if you don’t like it, don’t do it! Keeping up with a work out that you don’t like/hate will eventually make you stop. And it will ruin your days completey. If you’re not happy, then what’s the point? There’s always that nice walk in the sunshine 🙂

Why do I like it?
I love the feeling of doing something with my body. I love the tired feeling you get after. I love the happy feeling I get. I love getting stronger. I love getting faster. I love how good it makes me feel, mentally!

And thank goodness, because I neeed physical therapy (at the gym) 6 days/week!!

What’s your favourite workout? If you could try anything, what would it be?
And, what kind do you absolutely HATE? (And why?)