Being called fat by my doctor, behind my back.

You know that feeling of hitting rock bottom? THE rock bottom. Your own, personal lowest. That SHOCK of not understanding what happened, how it happened, or how in the world anything could ever get better.

I’ve felt that before. Or I thought so. But I kept on falling.

Now I know that where I have been before was not it. This is. This is as low as I can go. The understanding of that, and actually knowing to 100% (unlike before) that this is it has made an impact.

The last month, I’ve been in bad shape medically and it’s under investigation. Or so they say… By now, I know better than to trust doctors to actually help me.

My talk with the doctor, the first one that sent me to really get checked up, went good. Or so I thought… I told her about my problems with my weight, that it doesn’t matter what I eat/don’t eat or how much I move, I gain weight. And she listened. Again – ‘or so I thought’.

There’s a website, 1177, where you (in Sweden) can see what doctors, nurses, etc, write about your meeting with them.

Even though I talked (I, not we, she said nothing back, just nodded) about my weight, we never went in to details. So imagine my surprise when I logged in to 1177 a few days later and saw her writing about me being fat. Yeah… fat. She never, not once, said ANYTHING to my face, buy she wrote that about me.

Here’s the thing – yes, I’ve gained weight, yes, it has been gained around my middle, yes, it is 17kg that has been put on there, but there is also the ‘yes, I’ve asked doctors for help, I’ve BEGGED them for help’. I’ve been asking for help since early 2016. NOTHING!! “Nah, your thyroidmedication is working fine!” THAT’S what I’ve gotten from doctors’ working in the very same office as her. Nothing. And as I, agaaain, beg for help, I’m not met with anything more than “we’ll check your thyroid” and then reading about being fat…

If you’ll look below, you can see a new photo of me. All that belly is what I’ve been begging for help for. That is also what I’m being called fat for. Overweight? Absolutely! Fat? Not really.

This photo was taken yesterday, and the weight is the exact same as when I went to see the doctor. (Yeah, I need to clean up, but my back is hurting like hell so it’s just gonna have to wait a few more days.)

So, now what do I do? I don’t know. I don’t even know if they will bother to keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me… They didn’t care last time… I was even told I wasn’t allowed back for the same symptoms!!

Tomorrow, I will go to the gym. I will jog on the treadmill. It’s not something my body is really up for (due to my POTS and way too many tachycardia “episodes” lately), but I am VERY close to desperate. No, you know what, I AM desperate. I can’t go on feeling this bad any longer. I just can’t. This is me, doing whatever it takes, to TRY to get out of this crap situation, because doctors don’t actually care…

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Another week is gone

Oh wow, I lost 1,9kg since last sunday. I’m sure it’s mostly water, since I gained so much while taking painmedication. But good to know it’s getting better πŸ™‚

I also lost 15cm over my belly, where I’m the largest. That’s even better.

Tomorrow I will be back at the gym, finally!!! I haven’t been able to do anything since I injured my back. But now I’m well enough to do some cardio and some physical therapy. Not all and nothing heavy. I’m really excited about being able to go back!

Oh, and I made anothe shopping bag today, this one is for myself πŸ™‚

Printing the words took sooo long and gave me a headache, and my back wasn’t too happy about it either… At the end, my fingers were even shaking a bit when they needed to hold very still πŸ™‚

Cheats and cookies and good food

I use my bujo to track my weightloss. Well, I just started, but this is how it’s looking so far:

The pink is my weight and the blue/green is my belly. I’ve lost a total of 11kg from my heaviest right now.

I have my mealplan and everything in my bujo. It’s a own-made one since I can’t actually afford to pay someone to help me. But it’s ok, it’s working. Now that my body (because of my health) is doing better it is better at doing what I want it to.

I’m really good at sticking to my one-cookie-a-day plan (when reading). I eat healthy food that I really love, I always choose food that I WANT and that I think is GOOD so I’m never missing out on anything πŸ™‚ And then there’s the cheat meal once/week, mmm!!

Today however…. today I am so close to losing my mind, so I ate 10 cookies and a bag of crisps! I’m getting my birthcontrol injection on thursday so.. My hormones are all over the place. Crying – laughing – anger – crying – sulking and so on and on and on.

But whatever. It’s one time πŸ™‚

Weight, numbers, photos

The week that has now come to and end has not had much in it.

Since 2 weeks ago, nothing has changed when it comes to my weight, I’m on the same number as then. But like I’ve said before, I’m in a lot of pain, I’m taking painkillers, I’m giving all my energy to feeling better. And it’s almost time to get an injection for birthcontrol, so I’m retaining quite a bit of water… So it’s a good thing, I haven’t gained anything πŸ™‚

I have been walking and eating healthy and taking care of myself (I keep looking at the photo I wrote about yesterday, it just makes me happy!)

Oh yeah, I snuk in a cheeseburger there and it was goood!!

The week really went by in a hurry to me. I’ve started to learn better spanish (I’ve bought the Harry Potter books in spanish and I’m reading them no to learn more).

I’ll see you tomorrow!

Naked…

This morning I saw that a part of my upper back was all red. A triangle πŸ™‚ I missed that part whit my dearly beloved spf 50+ yesterday. Shoot…

It’s almost a perfect triangle, a little rounded, but it looks pretty cute. So I thought I would take a picture of it. I stood in front of the mirror, turned my back, held up my phone/camera and I realized, “hey, I look damn good naked!” So I went ahead and took two photos of myself from the side/back. In the nude. I really LOVE both pictures! That has never happened before, so happiness was pretty high.

At first, I just figured I would have them to remind me of that feeling. Then I thought I should post them on instagram and # bodypositive and show that, when overweight, you can a) look great as hell naked and b) be happy with yourself.

Lately we’ve seen LOTS of naked men, from behind, on all kinds of social media and they have gotten so much positive respons. So that was good.

Or nah…

I realized I can’t post any of those 2 pictures of me. Not because there is anything wrong with them. But I am a woman and I am not thin.

A fit man can post it and get really positive respons.

A fit woman can post it and get a mixture of positive and negative respons (a lot of “slut” and “whore” will be commented).

An overweight woman can post it and get nasty comments.

From the angle I took the photos, I don’t look big, so I’m guessing the comments would be more like the ones a fit woman would get. Still sad…

Had I been male, I could easily post.

I am female, I am looking for a job = I can’t post it.

We all know a woman will get judged way worse than a man, men who post these kinds of photos are celebrated. Women who post them, as a way to celebrate all types of bodies, get fired. So I had to chose. Post or not to post? Celebrate the female body and risk not getting hired?

I can’t afford to take any chanses… I’m not a fit male, so… I took another photo, fully dressed, and posted that instead…

I would like to post the others as well. But I need an income again, and can’t risk it.

So there will be no # bodypositive post from me in the way I wanted. But I did get to post this, here, about the double standards regarding what you can and can not do depending on what’s between your legs.

I would also like to add, I look hot as hell both with and without clothes! But since society is the way it is, you’re gonna have to take my word for 50% of that πŸ˜‰

“Weight is just a number”

Quite often, we hear that “weight is just a number”, and I agree, absolutely. But that number can hold so much Power over you. Not just over how people feel, but over so many things around you.
I need help with my breasts, a reduction. My neck, shoulders, and my upper back are in costant pain and I’m always on painkillers. But I can’t get that surgery, not yet. The numbers on the scale says I’m not allowed. Now, this is surgery I need for my physical (and to some extent, my mental) wellbeing, but it’s not happening, not for a while.

A woman I know went to the doctor with pain in a leg. The doctor told her to lose weight.
She left. Sad, of course. She got no help at all, just those words “lose some weight and it will get better”. Later she found out that she actually had a fracture in her leg. Her bone was breaking, she was in serious pain, but the doctor ignored it (and her) because of the number on the scale.

“Weight is just a number!”

When I was at my heaviest, closing in on 100kg, I didn’t think it was that bad. I didn’t eat too much, I didn’t have that much unhealthy food etc. I liked myself. But I did notice that, as time went by, finding clothes that would fit was getting harder and harder, and let’s not talk about jeans… sweet someone, no…
I finally did step on a scale. I had one, I just didn’t care about it. I didn’t feel fat. I didn’t feel overweight. I just felt good about myself.
When I saw the number I was in shock! What just happened? How the heck did I get there? I’m not even overweight.. wait… that’s not what the scale says… I am. And not just overweight, I’m fat!! I couldn’t wrap my head around it, I didn’t understand it. How could I? It just didn’t make any sense…

After some days of thinking (“why hadn’t anyone told me?”, “how could I not have seen it coming?” etc) I could finally put 2 and 2 together.
So this is why my back is hurting? This is why my joints are hurting? This is why the clothes… I didn’t want to think any more about that part.
Now, here’s the thing about my weightgain. It happened fast. I mean FAST! I went from 48kg to 98kg in less than a year!! I more than doubled ,y weight in less than 12 months!
I didn’t eat that much. I didn’t eat that much sweets. I was outdoors, walking, a lot since I had a dog. Something had to be wrong… And that’s pretty much where my personal hell began. Doctors…

Whe you’re overweight and go see a doctor, everything is always to be blamed on your weight. If you want help, because you don’t understand why you gained that weight? Oh no, don’t you try that, you are made out to be a lier… Yup. That’s what I got from one doctor after another (and quite a few nurses). “If you really ate like you say you do, and walked as much as you claim, then you wouldn’t look like you do!”
I will NEVER forget the first time I was told that. Yeah, first time, it happen quite a few times actually…
I tried to argue that yes, I AM eating like I tell you, and I AM walking as much as I tell you, therefor something MUST be wrong, please help me! Nope… they couldn’t help me UNLESS I STOPPED LYING!!! Oh that right there isn’t a typo, they really said that!

It took SIX YEARS and quite a few doctors before I had signed up at a new healthcare central (in Sweden, you can get listed at a healthcare central and choose what doctor you want as “yours”) and met with a wonderful doctor (in training) that my mum had also gone to. Now, she had a weightproblem too. When she started at this healthcare central, they had a look at her thyroid, and guess what? Medication needed!
My mum then told the doctor that I had severe weightproblems too and the doctor told her that I should call and get my thyroid tested, this often goes mother to daughter. Said and done, was I lying? No, my freaking thyroid had gone wonkers!!
I told this doctor what I had been through and she just stared at me, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She told me that in cases such as mine, you ALWAYS suspect the thyroid!

I was then put on medication right away, they said it usually take 6 months before kicking in. For me, it took 8 months. Then holy wow I lost weight! By that time I had also joined my first ever gym (I thought that would help me lose weight, but alas… not without medication).

I lost 25kg in pretty much no time at all. I was so happy! My hips didn’t hurt, my knees didn’t hurt, etc. I had about 8kg left to lose (I still had a bit of a tummy) and then nothing. I struggled like you wouldn’t believe (well, some of you will), but nothing happened. In the end, after a full year of nothing, I started to gain weight again! This time, we knew about my thyroid, so I called the doctors. And guess, freaking, what? “Naah, it’s not your thyroid this time, your bloodwork is fine.” No help… None!
A while later (early this year) I got RELLY sick. I could hardly breathe or anything. Even with that I was ignored. I told them that I was gaining weight like crazy (4-6kg/week!!) but no, no help…

When I had gained all that it appears I would gain (16kg) I was so sad. Not for the weightgain itself, but for the crappy way doctors talked to me…
In january I reached my “peak” or whatever I shoud call it. Now I was even further away from that surgery I desperatly need… I was in way worse pain than I was before… I had ONE pair of jeans that fit and ONE shirt. That was it. And of course I work 50% so I couldn’t afford to buy anything new… (I have managed to buy a few things since then, thankfully.)
In may, only 3 small weeks ago, my weight started going down again. I’m not doing anything different. I’m not eating less, I’m not out walking more, I even go to the gym less because of my back andd neck has been acting up.
What was the problem? I still don’t know… But I will tell you this, if this ever happens again, there will be hell! I will not give those doctors another go at me!

During all this time. From me gaining weight to me losing weight to me being where I am now. I have kept hearing that “weight is just a number”. Yes it is. But no, it isn’t.
That number will decide what kind of medical help you get.
That number will tell people (doctors, nurses, etc) that it’s ok to be rude to you.
That number will make it ok for others to shame you for eating a piece of chocolate.
That number will make it ok for people to laugh at you in the gym (yes, it happens).
That number will make a person cry themselves to sleep (I have and I still do sometimes).
That number will make it perfectly clear to you, that your are not as much worth as the person with a lower number.

So yeah, weight is just a number. But that number, it will decide how you are being treated.

Do you want to lose weight? Go for it!
Are you happy wih where you are? That’s awesome!
Would you never dream of losing weight no matter what? I’m sohappy for you!

If you have any questions or thought on this, feel free to comment, I don’t mind, not at all. Just don’t be rude, then I will hit delete and block πŸ™‚

And I would walk 500 more

My body doesn’t respond well to painkillers, I can take paracetamol (Panodil, Pamol & Alvedon) without any problems. Those are the mildest you can find in Sweden (that you don’t need to see a doctor to get). I can also take Tramadol, something that is a bit like morphine. I’m not too fond of it since I don’t like the clouded mind I get…

The problem here is that I currently have an injured back. A disk went bye-bye… That’s something you normally get really HEAVY pain medication for. Me? Suck it up, buddy! Yeah… Now, on the positive side, I’m surprisingly good at getting injured (you need to be the best at something, am I right?) so being in pain isn’t really something that’s new to me. I tend not to be too bothered by pain (unless it’s my neck or head!!! then it’s straight up KMN please…). But this time… the injury is really low, just a little above my tailbone, and it… is… killing… me… I can’t even put on trousers or a skirt, or even pants, without almost screaming from pain… It’s horrible!!

They told me to walk it off. Literally! Walking will help with recovery. And guess what, it also seem to be pretty good for the pain! It doesn’t make it go away, but it will lessen a bit while walking and for a little while after.

Wait… what was my point in writing this?

…. Right…

Since walking is the only thing I can do right now, I sat down yesterday and made a tracker for my “500 miles” walk.

Nooo, I’m not walking 500 miles in one go. I’m not THAT desperate from the pain! (Yet…)

I love, love, LOOOVE the song ‘500 miles’ by The Proclaimers (David Tennant and the staff from Doctor Who made that obsession even greater!). So I figured, 500 miles and then 500 more. That was ~ 160 swedish miles (metric miles). I do like walking. It’s something I can pretty much always do. Why the heck not?

I’m gonna walk 500 miles and the 500 more! Oh, and I must have a tracker in my bullet journal for it!

So here it is:

I know I’m not the best at drawing this, but I don’t care, I love it!

To the right, the face have x:es for eyes and then there’s sweat and then walking on hands and knees because, well, by then it HAS been 500 miles and 500 more!

The tiny bit of purple in the beginning is what I walked today, 8km. And as I wrote on my instagram ( @jeas_wellness ), “slut” is not me losing my marbles, it’s the swedish word for “finish/the end”.

I like it. It’s something fun that will help motivate me when everything is grey and sad and blaah.

Do you have fun motivaters such as this? Or other?

Another week is gone..

Just over a week ago I injured my back. The train was sooo overcrowded that it just got too hot and my blood pressure droped and I passed out. Now my lower back refuses to get better. One of my disks just went “nooope”… So as for now, walking is all I can do. I do some yoga stretches for my upperback, but that’s it..

Normally, I would update you with how my weight is going, but since I injured my back, I’ve been having problems with bloating, swellings and all kinds of things, so I decided not to bother right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going on a binge or anything (I would in the old days..), I’m just focusing all that I have on my wellbeing.

I haven’t been doing much this week (du’uh), but here are some photos πŸ™‚

I went to Copenhagen Zoo and I finally saw the baby elephant!

The penguins are getting a new living area, so they are staying indoors while they wait. They have a pretty large area to explore and, wow, they are super curious! They walked right up to us!

I’m gonna show you more of my workout tracker tomorrow (and some other fun things from my bullet journal). Aaaand as I’m writing this I can’t remember if I have shown you the tracker already…. well, if I have, you will see something else tomorrow πŸ™‚

Cravings… I simply need that to look forward to

I get cravings for all kinds of things ALL. THE. TIME! Losing weight/getting healthier isn’t always easy even if you are really good at making the right choices.

My cravings are for both food amd sweets. Anything from a second and a third portion of food, to that 200g chocolate bar. Neither is a very smart choice.

Mostly it’s all avout ignoring that evil little voice in the back of your head telling you that “it’s only one time” or “it’s really bot that big of a deal, it’s not THAT much extra” etc. If you’re anything like me, you know that it IS a big deal and that it IS that much extra. For that one time will turn in to another. And another. And another…

I have my super-awesome wookiee-cookies jar and it is filled with chocolate chip cookies. Oh yes!

(Those are the first cookies I tried. They were darn yummy too.)

Every day, I have a cookie (some times, I have 2!!) when I’m reading in the evening. That way it is easier to say no to that evil voice. I know I have a treat waiting for me.

The reason I chose to plan this for my days, is that I know I need to have something to keep me “in line”. I simply need that to look forward to.

Goodness me I sound bitter now (but it does get better!)

Oh my, about a month since last time…
I’ve had to rethink and replan (wait, is that a word?) my journey to a healthier me. I’ve taken the new advice and I’ve changed the things I’ve been able to so far. Now, it’s the rest of them πŸ™‚

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve gained loads of weight and I don’t really know why. IΓ€ve already lost some over my tummy (no weight, just size).

So yeah, I’ve got that going for me. Good, good… I’m back in the gym, doing physical therapy, and as much of other things as I can. Was I back last time I wrote? I can’t remember…

I’m still having an extremely difficult time losing weight, and I really don’t know why. People tell me that I hould go to the doctors, but you know what? All I get there is “your bloodwork is fine”. That’s it. First the “you need to lose weight” and then a big, fat, nothing. Pun not intended… I have begged for help, but nope, nothing, nada, njet, nej… Ok then, so sorry to bother you and try to get you to do your job and hel me get better and LESS SICK! Weightloss for me is a good thing for hem too. I wouln’t have to come in as often for my back-, neck- and shoulderpains. I wouldn’t have to get as much paracetamol prescribed. I wouldn’t have to take up their time for minor things that weightloss can clearly help with! But no. There’s nothing showing in my blood, so naaah, why bother, right?

Oh goodness me I sound bitter now… I suppose a part of me is. Against them. I have worked so hard for so many years, ON MY OWN. Not asking them for help at all. Now that I need it, I get nothing. So yes, I AM a bit bitter, thank you!

Aaand, deep breath. A really good count to 10 (000)!

So. In related news…
I have added a Little buddy to my kitchen, haveΒ  look:

My little adipose I had at work is now living there! All things seen next to it is new. I needed something to make it more fun to eat. I kept forgetting to tak something out of the freezer and had to go out to buy food. And we all now what happens when you do that while hungry…
Turned out I really like balsamic vinegar on my salads, a bit of a surprise really πŸ™‚

I have redone my schedule when it comes to the gym and my physical therapy. I had to, I was slowly losing my mind over it…
All is written down, carefully, in my new bullet journal (awesome btw!!) and I’m getting petty god at doing what I actually have to do. Even things you like doing gets hard to do when they become a must.
In my bullet journal, I have a page for my blog. One page/month to be precise. Every time I get an idea about a blogpost, I write it down there, next t the date I will write about it. That way I won’t forget to check in here πŸ™‚

Oh. Aaand I may or may not have gotten rid of my hair again πŸ™‚

I love it πŸ™‚

❀