Working hard or hardly working?

I like sewing. There’s something very calming over it πŸ™‚

I while ago I said I would make a shopping bag for my mum, and today I actually made it.

I was too tired to iron it, I’ll do that tomorrow πŸ™‚ I’m not sure why the picture is sideways…

My mum bought the 2 white patches in Las Palmas, the palmtree one we found at Stoff & Stil today and decided to add.

I also added a smaller pocket on the inside.

I’m gonna add a button to the inner pocket, I just haven’t found the right one yet. Or maybe I have…. I found a magnetic one at Stoff & Stil… that would be a good one… Hm, I’m gonna have to think about that πŸ™‚

Chocolate! And Pepsi! And… and nothing…

You’re down… You’re so sad… For so many reasons. And you know, you know, that it won’t get better. Not any time soon anyway. And it makes you feel even worse. It makes you even more sad. It’s ripping you apart and you just can’t take how sad you are. You are basically losing yourself.

That’s how I feel at the moment. Lost, cast away from society. Like I don’t matter.

This is not at all like me, I’m a happy and positive person. But even a happy and positive person can fall down so far that getting up again feel like an impossible task.

So there’s the chocolate. And the pepsi. Both are so good at helping you calm down. You feel a bit better. You relax. You even smile. And it can be a pretty big smile!

But then what? What happens after?

You’re sad again. You’re back down in your hole. And you’re feeling worse than you did before. And then, you just keep spiraling down. Out of control. Down, down and further down.

Then, at some point, you stop and you think. What are you doing? Why are you making things harder for yourself? Will that chocolate really make things better? Will that can of divine Pepsi really make things better for you? In the long run, I mean.
Will it really help you?

What have I done? Why am I doing this? Why did I think this was a good idea, or even worth it?

What can all that sugar really do for me? Nothing! Not a damn thing… in the long run.
Actually, on that point I’m wrong. It does do something in the long run. It ruins me, physically. It’s really not good for me.
But it feel so good! But it’s only for a moment…

No. I can’t do this. I need to stop and get out of this spiral before it gets really bad!

It’s sadness, not depression, so I can do it on my own. But I need a plan… (I like having plans!)

Firstly, the source to me being sad?
My horrible backpain (since my injury may 26th), me being 1 paycheck away from nothig, me being so absolutely lonely all the time with no one to talk to, me having close to no money as it is.

I know these can be seen as stupid reasons to be sad. But you know what, if it’s hurting, it’s hurting. That’s just the way it is!

I have about a million notebooks, soΒ why not use one to write out a really good plan for me to use to get back on my feet (as well as I can)?

I’ll keep you posted on how it goes πŸ™‚

(If you have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask. If you want to write something and keep it private, just say so in the comment and I won’t publish it.)

❀

Netflix now, emotions later…

I’m not really happy these days… My last paycheck isΒ a month from now, then I’m back to being poor(er). It’s not like working 50% is making you rich, but it’s a bit better than not having anything.

Because of my diagnosis (2 types of tachycardia, one being disabeling) is making it really har dto find a job. It took me years last time. YEARS! I am now looking at, possibly, more years of nothing and no money, and that doesn’t give a veryΒ nice feeling…

So I do the only thing I can do. I wait for the Unemployment office to do theirs (and they refuse to…), while I try to figure out each and every place that could work with my health.
Tt doesn’t give me much to do during the days. After going for a walk and doing my physical therapy (that I can’t do atm, I need to talk to a physical therapist first), I still have to do something. So this is my day now:
– Going for walks.
– Doing physical therapy.
– Learning spanish (on my own, than you Harry Potter en espaΓ±ol πŸ™‚ )
– …. taking a nap?

And what more? It’s not like I have enough money to do something, there’s a price to pretty much everything, I went online to find Everything thtI could do for free or for a low price and found a few things. Not much, but it’s something,

Other then that?
Well, there’s always Netflix to get your emotions aimed towards caracters and not real lie. So that’s good too. I guess.
πŸ˜›

Who will ever love you?

This week I have nothing on the weightfront, the painmedication is messing that up pretty good…

But I have another topic in mind, something I’ve been meaning to talk about for a while, but have’t gotten the strength to. Looks. Beauty.

As a child, I had golden, red hair:

I will never reember the day I got to daycare in brand new winter clothes, they had both red and pink in them. I was so happy and I felt so pretty! And the very first thing I got from the person taking care of me and my younger brother was that I couldn’t wear that. Didn’t I know you can’t wear red and pink together? That it’s ugly! That kids with my red hair can’t wear whatever we want becuase it will look ugly!

That was the first time. Not the last. Not even close.

Growing up I was always told I was ugly (by grown ups!) and that nobody would ever like me.
As I got older, my hair got lighter and then blonde, with a tiny hint of red in it. It didn’t help much. I was still ugly.

When I was in 7th grade (13 years old) I was waiting outside a classroom, looking at one of my books. I was early, the only one there and a woman walked by. I didn’t know she was there until she spoke to me – “no one will ever want to be your friend as long as you look like that!”
Would you like to guess who that woman was? THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR!
She told me I wasn’t pretty when I “looked the way I did” and I needed to change that if I wanted anyone to love me.
Here’s the thing, it wasn’t even my clothes or anything like that she was commenting on. It was my face… I have really hooded eyelides and the corners of my mouth are pointing down a little bit. This made me look bad and I needed to change it.
I was 13 years old. What exactly did the school counselor think I should do? Beats me, she left. I stood there, trying to figure out what the heck just happened… Then I realized she was right. I mean, peoaple had been telling em I was ugly since I was a little kid, so that was it. I was ugly.

This is me now, without makeup, on a (very) sunny day:

And this is me now, with light makeup:

I have really thin hair, so why bother with it? But I like it this way πŸ™‚

I’m an adult now. And guess what… I still think I’m ugly.
People have told me all my life that I am, so I guess I am. They have never focused on my body, no, it has always been my face. My eyes are ugly because they’re too hooded. My lips are ugly because they point down. I’m ugly because I have freckles (that have gotten pretty ligh these days). I’m ugly because I’m so pale. I’m ugly because my teeth aren’t white enough. I’m ugl because my hair isn’t thick enough.

I could go on and on about why people think I’m ugly, but I won’t becuase I’m getting sad now…

Not a summer goes by without people telling me I should show some respect and stay Indoors (because I’m so pale). I should kill myself. I shuld hang myself. I should drown myself, or “better yet, we should drown you because that’s what you do to vermin”. Or the more common ones that say I’m so ugly I deserve to be raped or murdered (or sometimes both). I look lik a pig and nobody wants to have me around people don’t even like taking photos with me because I’m so pale, “it ruins the picture”…

Yeah. I know. I’m ugly.

A woman once asked how long it takes for someone to get over being treated this way, I didn’t answer her. But I promise I will let you guys know when it happens πŸ™‚

Every now and then someone tells me I look great and I get suspicious, what do they want? What are they after? Oh, they must mean my dress is cute, right? Maybe my purse is pretty? Yeah… that’s probably it.

At times, I still wonder what’s so wrong with me, that I got this wonderful deal in life. Why did people have to treat me like this growing up? But since so many did, it must be true…

I guess I’m just asking for one thing, one simple thing – please don’t make fun of people πŸ™‚

Ps,
I’m sorry if there’s a bunch of spelling errors, I don’t really feel like going back to correct anything in this post.

Ps 2,
If you’re rude to me or anyone else here, I will block you!

For the love of books!

Relaaax, everything will be OK!

Or at least that’s how it feels when I’m reading ❀ It’s the one thing that makes me calm down and relax. It’s like everything bad just goes away for a while.

Two days ago I was given painmedication from my doctor. My back is so bad he gave me OxyContin and OxyNorm. That’s morphine!! Do you have any idea how bad it has to be for a doctor in Sweden even THINK about giving someone that? Yeah…

I LOVE not being in pain, but I’m really not feeling too great otherwise from it. I sleep a lot and I’ve even been throwing up (for the second time in my life!!). I can hardly eat…

But the sad thing is that I can’t read… I can’t focus on what I’m reading and I can’t really remember what I’m reading. I didn’t know not being able to read would hurt this much…

I’d like to show you my bookshelf:

I also use it to turn my livingroom in to 2 rooms. One loud and one quiet. As soon as I get a job and get money again, I’m going to buy another that I can fill with all kinds of books too. I’m swedish, so obviously it will be from IKEA πŸ˜‰ I have my eyes on this beauty:


My favourite thing about reading isn’t just that it helps me relax, it’s the travel-to-different-worlds-thing too. When you’re a few pages in you start to see everything like a mo ie in your mind, amd the more your read, the bigger that world gets. It’s so wonderful! Movies just aren’t the same (don’t get me wrong, I still love movies!). When you watch a movie, someone else is showing you their idea of the world the author is writing about, and it can be so beautiful. But when you read about and that same world is growing bigger with every page… nothing can compare to that ❀

I can easily sit there and read hour after hour after hour. It just makes me feel so good, and happy, and relaxed, and calm.

For a moment, I get to forget everything around me. I get to forget all the horrible things in this world. I get to feel good in the most honest and true way there is!

This last photo is my diningroom table, it is 70 years old and my maternal grandparents bought it after they got married. I absolutely love it! I am currently learning more spanish, so that right there is the first Harry Potter book in spanish πŸ™‚ The painting is bought at SweetLoveSugar at Emporia here in MalmΓΆ (www.sweetlovesugar.com), I love all their stuff! I’m gonna post a video on my instagram ( @jeas_wellness ) soon where I will show you my livingroom. I’ve been meaning to do that for some time now, but for some reason it just hasn’t happened yet..

What is your favourite book? And where is your favourite reading spot?

Yoga ftw

I have kind of bad joints. I guess the best description is that some of them are a bit “loose”. I sprain my ankles all the time, one tiny wrong step and wham. My shoulders are even worse, they are bad enough to give me constant pain. I keep doing something with my hips, goodness knows what, that sends pain down to my feet and make me have stop for a while because I can’t even move my legs. That’s over quickly thankfully πŸ™‚

But my back… oh sweet someone… I keep injuring that damn thing and it is not going away easily. And the pain is so bad. Obviously I’m lucky enough not to be able to take any painmedication because it makes me sick.

What I CAN do for my back is strengthening my core, help it protect my spine and help keep those damn disks in place. Now, if you’ve read this far, you have probably figured out already that there’s a “but” coming. Right?

Right. But!

Here’s how bad my back is, and how weak my core is – I can’t even do all of the easiest physical therapy there is without horrible pain to my lower back!

Yeah…

I used to do deadlifts pretty often, and with a high weight that was a damn fine workout for my abs too, but I need more physical therapy for my shoulders before I can do that again.

So… what else was there? I didn’t know. I found out by chance – yoga!

Yoga once/week turned out to be great for my core! The yoga teacher that’s working at my gym as the perfect kind of yoga for me and my body (though, I DID manage to sprain my ankle at class once…). After some time I noticed how my posture had gotten better. And that I was able to do ALL of the physical therapy I needed. That’s pretty great!

I haven’t been able to go to ypga since last year due to health reasons, and it has taken all the progress away from me. My back and core is back on zero. I need to start over. And I will! As soon as I can move without wanting to kill someone out of pain… It shouldn’t be too mich longer now. All I can do for my pain right now is going for walks.

I’m doing as much yoga as I can at home. It’s not much since I can’t really move my legs like I need to, but it’s better than nothing. I focus on the “can”, not the “can’t”. Well, unless you count this post…. there’s a lot of “can’t” in here πŸ˜› But that’s just to give you an idea of what’s going on πŸ™‚

(And a chance for me to whine a bit, before I can go back to my “can” πŸ™‚ )

Naked…

This morning I saw that a part of my upper back was all red. A triangle πŸ™‚ I missed that part whit my dearly beloved spf 50+ yesterday. Shoot…

It’s almost a perfect triangle, a little rounded, but it looks pretty cute. So I thought I would take a picture of it. I stood in front of the mirror, turned my back, held up my phone/camera and I realized, “hey, I look damn good naked!” So I went ahead and took two photos of myself from the side/back. In the nude. I really LOVE both pictures! That has never happened before, so happiness was pretty high.

At first, I just figured I would have them to remind me of that feeling. Then I thought I should post them on instagram and # bodypositive and show that, when overweight, you can a) look great as hell naked and b) be happy with yourself.

Lately we’ve seen LOTS of naked men, from behind, on all kinds of social media and they have gotten so much positive respons. So that was good.

Or nah…

I realized I can’t post any of those 2 pictures of me. Not because there is anything wrong with them. But I am a woman and I am not thin.

A fit man can post it and get really positive respons.

A fit woman can post it and get a mixture of positive and negative respons (a lot of “slut” and “whore” will be commented).

An overweight woman can post it and get nasty comments.

From the angle I took the photos, I don’t look big, so I’m guessing the comments would be more like the ones a fit woman would get. Still sad…

Had I been male, I could easily post.

I am female, I am looking for a job = I can’t post it.

We all know a woman will get judged way worse than a man, men who post these kinds of photos are celebrated. Women who post them, as a way to celebrate all types of bodies, get fired. So I had to chose. Post or not to post? Celebrate the female body and risk not getting hired?

I can’t afford to take any chanses… I’m not a fit male, so… I took another photo, fully dressed, and posted that instead…

I would like to post the others as well. But I need an income again, and can’t risk it.

So there will be no # bodypositive post from me in the way I wanted. But I did get to post this, here, about the double standards regarding what you can and can not do depending on what’s between your legs.

I would also like to add, I look hot as hell both with and without clothes! But since society is the way it is, you’re gonna have to take my word for 50% of that πŸ˜‰

My mental wellness

Physical wellbeing/wellness is so important. But often, mental wellness is forgotten. It is, however, much more important. If your head isn’t where it should, nothing will work as it is supposed.

I always take time to sit back and relax, breathe, do what I can to lower my stress levels. But what helps me the most, is the geek within me πŸ™‚

With these things (and so… sooo… many more) I feel pretty good. However, I really need a new job so I can keep buying!

I love to read, I love science, I love Doctor Who, I love Stargate SG1, I just love so many things. The downside to it is how expensive it is (when out of work). The upside is that I always have something to do! When I feel myself gowing the wrong way, mentally, I know I can “get it together” with the help of the geek inside me. And a bit of chocolate when needed πŸ˜›

Sitting, breathing, relaxing, reading, thinking, humming, looking… just taking it easy, is much forgotten in the world today. If you’re on the bus you hear people screaming and shouting. If you go to dinner people around will be on their phones. If you do anything at all, people will stress and stress and stress.

Please remember to stop, breathe and relax!

I want to make it very clear, that I do not have a depression or anything like that. If I did, this would not help. It is not that easy to recover from a depression. When I write about mental wellness, it is solely my own I am talking about. This, above, is what is keeping my head above the surface. I have two types of tachycardia and I am not physically well, it is more than enough to really tear you apart…

“Weight is just a number”

Quite often, we hear that “weight is just a number”, and I agree, absolutely. But that number can hold so much Power over you. Not just over how people feel, but over so many things around you.
I need help with my breasts, a reduction. My neck, shoulders, and my upper back are in costant pain and I’m always on painkillers. But I can’t get that surgery, not yet. The numbers on the scale says I’m not allowed. Now, this is surgery I need for my physical (and to some extent, my mental) wellbeing, but it’s not happening, not for a while.

A woman I know went to the doctor with pain in a leg. The doctor told her to lose weight.
She left. Sad, of course. She got no help at all, just those words “lose some weight and it will get better”. Later she found out that she actually had a fracture in her leg. Her bone was breaking, she was in serious pain, but the doctor ignored it (and her) because of the number on the scale.

“Weight is just a number!”

When I was at my heaviest, closing in on 100kg, I didn’t think it was that bad. I didn’t eat too much, I didn’t have that much unhealthy food etc. I liked myself. But I did notice that, as time went by, finding clothes that would fit was getting harder and harder, and let’s not talk about jeans… sweet someone, no…
I finally did step on a scale. I had one, I just didn’t care about it. I didn’t feel fat. I didn’t feel overweight. I just felt good about myself.
When I saw the number I was in shock! What just happened? How the heck did I get there? I’m not even overweight.. wait… that’s not what the scale says… I am. And not just overweight, I’m fat!! I couldn’t wrap my head around it, I didn’t understand it. How could I? It just didn’t make any sense…

After some days of thinking (“why hadn’t anyone told me?”, “how could I not have seen it coming?” etc) I could finally put 2 and 2 together.
So this is why my back is hurting? This is why my joints are hurting? This is why the clothes… I didn’t want to think any more about that part.
Now, here’s the thing about my weightgain. It happened fast. I mean FAST! I went from 48kg to 98kg in less than a year!! I more than doubled ,y weight in less than 12 months!
I didn’t eat that much. I didn’t eat that much sweets. I was outdoors, walking, a lot since I had a dog. Something had to be wrong… And that’s pretty much where my personal hell began. Doctors…

Whe you’re overweight and go see a doctor, everything is always to be blamed on your weight. If you want help, because you don’t understand why you gained that weight? Oh no, don’t you try that, you are made out to be a lier… Yup. That’s what I got from one doctor after another (and quite a few nurses). “If you really ate like you say you do, and walked as much as you claim, then you wouldn’t look like you do!”
I will NEVER forget the first time I was told that. Yeah, first time, it happen quite a few times actually…
I tried to argue that yes, I AM eating like I tell you, and I AM walking as much as I tell you, therefor something MUST be wrong, please help me! Nope… they couldn’t help me UNLESS I STOPPED LYING!!! Oh that right there isn’t a typo, they really said that!

It took SIX YEARS and quite a few doctors before I had signed up at a new healthcare central (in Sweden, you can get listed at a healthcare central and choose what doctor you want as “yours”) and met with a wonderful doctor (in training) that my mum had also gone to. Now, she had a weightproblem too. When she started at this healthcare central, they had a look at her thyroid, and guess what? Medication needed!
My mum then told the doctor that I had severe weightproblems too and the doctor told her that I should call and get my thyroid tested, this often goes mother to daughter. Said and done, was I lying? No, my freaking thyroid had gone wonkers!!
I told this doctor what I had been through and she just stared at me, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She told me that in cases such as mine, you ALWAYS suspect the thyroid!

I was then put on medication right away, they said it usually take 6 months before kicking in. For me, it took 8 months. Then holy wow I lost weight! By that time I had also joined my first ever gym (I thought that would help me lose weight, but alas… not without medication).

I lost 25kg in pretty much no time at all. I was so happy! My hips didn’t hurt, my knees didn’t hurt, etc. I had about 8kg left to lose (I still had a bit of a tummy) and then nothing. I struggled like you wouldn’t believe (well, some of you will), but nothing happened. In the end, after a full year of nothing, I started to gain weight again! This time, we knew about my thyroid, so I called the doctors. And guess, freaking, what? “Naah, it’s not your thyroid this time, your bloodwork is fine.” No help… None!
A while later (early this year) I got RELLY sick. I could hardly breathe or anything. Even with that I was ignored. I told them that I was gaining weight like crazy (4-6kg/week!!) but no, no help…

When I had gained all that it appears I would gain (16kg) I was so sad. Not for the weightgain itself, but for the crappy way doctors talked to me…
In january I reached my “peak” or whatever I shoud call it. Now I was even further away from that surgery I desperatly need… I was in way worse pain than I was before… I had ONE pair of jeans that fit and ONE shirt. That was it. And of course I work 50% so I couldn’t afford to buy anything new… (I have managed to buy a few things since then, thankfully.)
In may, only 3 small weeks ago, my weight started going down again. I’m not doing anything different. I’m not eating less, I’m not out walking more, I even go to the gym less because of my back andd neck has been acting up.
What was the problem? I still don’t know… But I will tell you this, if this ever happens again, there will be hell! I will not give those doctors another go at me!

During all this time. From me gaining weight to me losing weight to me being where I am now. I have kept hearing that “weight is just a number”. Yes it is. But no, it isn’t.
That number will decide what kind of medical help you get.
That number will tell people (doctors, nurses, etc) that it’s ok to be rude to you.
That number will make it ok for others to shame you for eating a piece of chocolate.
That number will make it ok for people to laugh at you in the gym (yes, it happens).
That number will make a person cry themselves to sleep (I have and I still do sometimes).
That number will make it perfectly clear to you, that your are not as much worth as the person with a lower number.

So yeah, weight is just a number. But that number, it will decide how you are being treated.

Do you want to lose weight? Go for it!
Are you happy wih where you are? That’s awesome!
Would you never dream of losing weight no matter what? I’m sohappy for you!

If you have any questions or thought on this, feel free to comment, I don’t mind, not at all. Just don’t be rude, then I will hit delete and block πŸ™‚

Workout tracker

After way too many “POTS days” my body is slowly getting better. The biggest sign of that, is the fact that I’ve actually started to lose weight again! It has taken sooo long… I kid you not, I have been crying myself to sleep more than once because of how bad I felt, both in regards to my POTS and to my physical health because of my weight.

For exactly one month now (today) I have been bullet journaling. Yesterday I saw a workouttracker that some had made, and it inspired my own. I haven’t had a very good one as I could bot figure put how I wanted it. But here it is:

I am so happy with it! (I have already fixed the second o in ‘workout’.)

Today I had a full day at Copenhagen Zoo, I was supposed to wrote down how many steps that turned in to, but my Razer Nabu died at around 13.00… It came go 7160 then nothing, but oh well. I was there for 2 more hours so πŸ™‚

I use my bullet journal for pretty much everything, and it is absolutely BRILLIANT!!