Being called fat by my doctor, behind my back.

You know that feeling of hitting rock bottom? THE rock bottom. Your own, personal lowest. That SHOCK of not understanding what happened, how it happened, or how in the world anything could ever get better.

I’ve felt that before. Or I thought so. But I kept on falling.

Now I know that where I have been before was not it. This is. This is as low as I can go. The understanding of that, and actually knowing to 100% (unlike before) that this is it has made an impact.

The last month, I’ve been in bad shape medically and it’s under investigation. Or so they say… By now, I know better than to trust doctors to actually help me.

My talk with the doctor, the first one that sent me to really get checked up, went good. Or so I thought… I told her about my problems with my weight, that it doesn’t matter what I eat/don’t eat or how much I move, I gain weight. And she listened. Again – ‘or so I thought’.

There’s a website, 1177, where you (in Sweden) can see what doctors, nurses, etc, write about your meeting with them.

Even though I talked (I, not we, she said nothing back, just nodded) about my weight, we never went in to details. So imagine my surprise when I logged in to 1177 a few days later and saw her writing about me being fat. Yeah… fat. She never, not once, said ANYTHING to my face, buy she wrote that about me.

Here’s the thing – yes, I’ve gained weight, yes, it has been gained around my middle, yes, it is 17kg that has been put on there, but there is also the ‘yes, I’ve asked doctors for help, I’ve BEGGED them for help’. I’ve been asking for help since early 2016. NOTHING!! “Nah, your thyroidmedication is working fine!” THAT’S what I’ve gotten from doctors’ working in the very same office as her. Nothing. And as I, agaaain, beg for help, I’m not met with anything more than “we’ll check your thyroid” and then reading about being fat…

If you’ll look below, you can see a new photo of me. All that belly is what I’ve been begging for help for. That is also what I’m being called fat for. Overweight? Absolutely! Fat? Not really.

This photo was taken yesterday, and the weight is the exact same as when I went to see the doctor. (Yeah, I need to clean up, but my back is hurting like hell so it’s just gonna have to wait a few more days.)

So, now what do I do? I don’t know. I don’t even know if they will bother to keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me… They didn’t care last time… I was even told I wasn’t allowed back for the same symptoms!!

Tomorrow, I will go to the gym. I will jog on the treadmill. It’s not something my body is really up for (due to my POTS and way too many tachycardia “episodes” lately), but I am VERY close to desperate. No, you know what, I AM desperate. I can’t go on feeling this bad any longer. I just can’t. This is me, doing whatever it takes, to TRY to get out of this crap situation, because doctors don’t actually care…

Netflix now, emotions later…

I’m not really happy these days… My last paycheck is a month from now, then I’m back to being poor(er). It’s not like working 50% is making you rich, but it’s a bit better than not having anything.

Because of my diagnosis (2 types of tachycardia, one being disabeling) is making it really har dto find a job. It took me years last time. YEARS! I am now looking at, possibly, more years of nothing and no money, and that doesn’t give a very nice feeling…

So I do the only thing I can do. I wait for the Unemployment office to do theirs (and they refuse to…), while I try to figure out each and every place that could work with my health.
Tt doesn’t give me much to do during the days. After going for a walk and doing my physical therapy (that I can’t do atm, I need to talk to a physical therapist first), I still have to do something. So this is my day now:
– Going for walks.
– Doing physical therapy.
– Learning spanish (on my own, than you Harry Potter en español 🙂 )
– …. taking a nap?

And what more? It’s not like I have enough money to do something, there’s a price to pretty much everything, I went online to find Everything thtI could do for free or for a low price and found a few things. Not much, but it’s something,

Other then that?
Well, there’s always Netflix to get your emotions aimed towards caracters and not real lie. So that’s good too. I guess.
😛

I’m back :)

I know I’ve been MIA for a short time, I’ve had som problems with my painmedication, and I’ve been in pretty bad shape. I had to stop taking the medication after only 5 days, I got what they called “withdrawal symptoms” while on it. I got pretty damn ill, I even stopped breathing while sleeping. I can’t even describe how scary it was!

But now I’m better. My back is still hurting like hell, but after the problems with the medication, I’m ok with that…

 

I have worked SO HARD for SO MANY YEARS

Today I went for a walk. It was quite long. A whopping 17km with roughly 25000 steps. My feet hurt now… and I have a blister… and I’m cold… And I’m happy.
My POTS started acting up pretty soon. It was really windy and then the air at our first stop (indoors) was really bad. So I’ve had several blood pressure drops during the day. Every single time I went inside, it went south. It has gotten to the point that I can’t even eat without passing out now.

However, the walk was pretty nice. We went to Denmark, got off the train at Kastrup (Copenhagen Airport), then we walked to Field’s at Örestad (I can’t type the danish Ö on my computer). After lunch (fish & chips) we walked aorund to have a look, and then continued north to the central of Copenhagen. We bought something to eat, then headed for the bus back to the airport to take the train home. We were away for almost 6 hours and 45 minutes. This is where we walked:

Like I said, roughly 1,7 metric miles (if I have counted correctly, it’s almost 11 english miles).

We really wanted to stop at a nice coffee shop to have a snack, but ended up Walking by a total amount of ZERO. Or, actually, we saw one, but they didn’ have the kind of yummies we like 🙂 They did, however, have this outside the door:

I have seen those signs so often on instagram, now I finally found one myself!

I love the danish mail boxes:

And the entrance to Tivoli:

Al-in-all, it was a really great day. I am SO happy that my new medication is working so well that I can actually do this! I LOVE going for long walks. I have worked SO HARD for SO MANY YEARS to be able to do it (because of my POTS, it is NOT easy…) and I am so happy that this medication helps me continue ❤

Those were the photos from today, if you want to see a few more from Denmark, you can see them on my instastory at @jeas_wellness 🙂

that’s just so wrong

No photos… How did I manage to get ZERO photos from a total of 2 walks? That’s… that’s just so wrong… 😛

Earlier today I walked to Emporia to see if I could find a jacket. It took 50 minutes and it was so warm I couldn’t believe it! It did NOT seem that warm when leaving home.
Then I got home, I ate and then I got a all, “do you wanna go for a walk?”… Yeah.. ok.. So 70 minutes there 🙂

I’m not sure ho much water I’ve been drinking since I got home from my second walk, but it’s quite a bit. So warm… It was 19 degrees in the shade wen we left, and when I got home I saw that it was 31 degrees in the sun. So, yeah, water!

Since I doubled up on my new medicin I feel a bit better. My body is coping a bit better. But really feel what a long way I have before me for a “full” recovery. I’m hoping for a full recovery, but who knows.

Right now I’m too tired to think. I keep yawning. I’m hungry too, but my POTS won’t let me eat, so I’m gonna have to wait. It’s a super strange feeling to be really hungry but not be able to eat anything.

Let’s talk about weightloss

Let’s talk about weightloss. Again. I’m not getting tired of it.

“Why do you want to lose weight? Do you really think people will like you better?”
“Why can’t you just be happy about yourself?”
“Do you really think you will look like the women in magazines?”
“What, you think more people will follow you on instagram if you get skinny?”

Have you heard those? Or questions like those? Or have you perhaps said them?

Do let me answer them!

Why do I want to lose weight?
My back is hurting. My knees hurt. My hips hurt. Clothes dosn’t fit well. I’m tired most of the time. I’ve started to sweat more. I’ve got skinproblems. My boobs are way too big. I can’t get surgery to ease my neckpain until I lose at least 10kg (aprox. 20lbs).
Reasons enough?
Do I think people will like me better?
Such an incredible stupid thing to as a person. I really couldn’t care less!

Why can’t I just be happy about myself?
Oh wow, people can read minds now? Who said I’m not happy with myself? Losing weight doesn’t mean I don’t like myself. It has nothing to o with that. At all. I love myself! And you know what? I will still love myself 20kg from now!

Do I really think I will look like the women in magazines?
I feel so sorry for people who ask this. Do they not know that the women in magazines doesn’t even look like the women in magazines?
Why would I want to look like someone else? I am me and I love me and I want to stay me. I want to look like ME.

Do I really think I will get more followers on instagram if I get skinny?
Oh right… I forgot that ones entire life should center around instagram…. If you don’t have loads of followers, then what’s the point of anything??? I “only” have about 270 followers? Oh the horror… THE HORROR!!!!

I don’t understand how people can think that what I do with my own body is any of their business.. And why would it have to do with what others think of me? Or how others see me? Why can’t it be about how my body is doing? Or about how I fel about myself, for MY sake? Why isn’t MY body MY business? Oh wait… it is!

Have you thought about ho people that are overweight are getting a lot of hate for it? And if they go to the gym, they get hate for it? And when sportswear suddenly exist in larger sizes, it gets hate? I mean… It’s wrong to be overweight and it’s wrong to do something about it? Oh, but don’t forget to eat that extra cheeseburger if you’re skinny! And don’t get too skinny, do you hear me! And don’t lose that lovely “babyfat” around your tummy that people love to hate you for and…. It would seem that no matter what we do with our bodies, there’s someone standing ready to tell us exactly what’s wrong with us and how we need to listen to just that person to be happy!

You know what’s even better to do?
Listen to yourself.
How do I feel about myself?
How does my body feel?
Is there anything I would like to do for myself?
Do I have a life that I like?
There are so many questions about your own wellbeing, that only you can answer.

all in all, things are looking up

I’ve had a rough couple of days now. I’ve been too tired to do anything and to write anything.

A couple of days ago I went to Copenhagen Zoo to recharge. To just relax, walk around, take it easy, and just enjoy the day. It really did wonders for my mood, but sadly my POTS was not as happy. I’m extremely tired again and I sleep more than I did before. But this is all a work in progress, it will take time, thats just how it is.

But on theother side, I see changes for the better with my weight and around my waist and tummy. It’s all going down. That’s the first sign of the fact that my body is starting to heal! Last week I lost 0,3kg (just under 1lb) so that’s good 🙂

I’m starting physical therapy again this week, about time too!
I do physical therapy x 2.
First, I do cardio on orders/recomendations from my cardiologist.
Then, I do strenght training for my back, neck and shoulders. My left shoulder is in such bad shape right now that I can hardly move it at all!!

So I guess, all in all, things are looking up 🙂

I want nothing more than to eat or drink whatever

I am beyond tired today. I woke up at 6am and my neck, shoulderblades and head were all hurting so bad I could hardly see. Everthing was just a big blurr from pain.
I got an appointment with the chiropractor at 13.30 and he did some wonders, but I need to go back on Wednesday to take care of the rest. I’ve been crying all day from pain, and THAT is NOT something I usually do…

But nothing bad without anything good – I’ve been in such pain I have hardly notized my POTS. Don’t really know if I should laugh or cry about that one 🙂

I had some help making dinner today:

And I’ve had lots and lots of water too. But still too little – yo, the potsie lifestyle bruh! (I am seriously laughing like crazy over writing that.. too much TV… 🙂 )

Health today:
Every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday I go to the store for he office. I buy fruit, veggies, milk and things for our Friday breakfast. The line to paying is right next o the sweets/candy. Thank you? But I bought nothing today. Oh believe me I wanted to!! When I’m in this much pain I really, REALLY want something. Pepsi. But I’m not supposed to drink that since I ave sinustachycardia. The caffein in it isn’t that much, but it’s too muc for me. Every now and then, fine, but not all the time and not every week.
Me – “nah, I need to do this first, just 10 more minutes.” And then I was out of the store and on my way back to the office and tadaa, nothing unhealthy around to buy 🙂 That felt pretty good 🙂

When I do my “just 10 more minutes” I want nothing more than to eat or drink whatever. But I’ve learnt that I don’t remember that after those 10 minutes. I just go on to the next thing, and a few hours can easily go by Before I remember I wanted a treat. Thank you brain for tempting me with things I obviously don’t want!

It’s only 19.15 here, but I’m gonna go to bed now. I didn’t get much sleep last night and right now I really don’t feel too well. I’ve been in horrible pain since Saturday at noon, so no wonder.

(My spelling has been way off today, I’ve corrected so much now, but I’m just too tired, so if I’ve missed some, I really couldn’t care less right now!)

Buy a dress

Guess what, today I won’t whine. Not even a little! So you can read on without any worries of that 😛

Yesterday I was just way too exhausted and tired too post anything, but here I am today 🙂

I need to get better at taking care of myself. There’s some food I just shouldn’t be eating, and I have to get moving again. I’m not sure where I will find the energy to do it, but…
Well, the food part is (almost) easy, it’s the get-your-ass-to-the-gym-part that’s difficult. I’ll make it. Somehow. I’m gonna talk to my cardiologist next friday and see what he says.

All of last year I gained way too much weight, and then more when I was home sick for 4 weeks. My back hurts. My hips hurt. Everything basically suck.
I’m going to focus on the food first.

So, my goal for tomorrow (besides getting home in one piece):
– Buy lots of healthy food when I go for my weekly shopping.
– Buy a dress to have waiting as my first NSV (non scale victory).

I think I needed to whine a bit

Monday. Back to work.

I spent almost  entire weekend on te sofa, resting. I was super exhausted after being back at work and I just wanted (and needed) to sleep the weekend away.
Now, it’s monday. Back to work and back to being exhausted. It isn’t too bad yet, I’m super tired and I just want to go to bed (I work ~ 9.00-13.00), but this is not what I’m used to… My body is in desperate need of its physical therapy, I’m in pain!! But I can’t. I’m too exhausted. This is new to me.. I mean sure, I’m tired after work normally, but I do my pt, and yes, I’m even more tired after it, but I manage. I don’t have much of a life beyond that, but that’s a different story.

Now, I’m too exhausted to do anything. I get up at 8.00, go to work (10 minutes away by bus, so ‘yay’ on that), work, come home. When I come home I eat. This is the first time during the day I CAN eat. If I eat earlier I won’t be able to finish work. I will be way too tired and sleepy… And i doesn’t matter what I eat either. I mean, the “wrong” carbs are a big no-no (as all you potsies know already), but I get super tired no matter what I eat.

And as of last friday, I don’t even sleep well becuase of the holter I’m wearing. Guess who’s allergic to the damn thing!!! I… AM… GOING… CRAZY!!!!!! And I can’t sleep on my left side, there’s a wire in the way…. And I think I needed to whine about this a bit, because I feel a tiny bit better now 🙂 Please don’t hate me ❤