Being called fat by my doctor, behind my back.

You know that feeling of hitting rock bottom? THE rock bottom. Your own, personal lowest. That SHOCK of not understanding what happened, how it happened, or how in the world anything could ever get better.

I’ve felt that before. Or I thought so. But I kept on falling.

Now I know that where I have been before was not it. This is. This is as low as I can go. The understanding of that, and actually knowing to 100% (unlike before) that this is it has made an impact.

The last month, I’ve been in bad shape medically and it’s under investigation. Or so they say… By now, I know better than to trust doctors to actually help me.

My talk with the doctor, the first one that sent me to really get checked up, went good. Or so I thought… I told her about my problems with my weight, that it doesn’t matter what I eat/don’t eat or how much I move, I gain weight. And she listened. Again – ‘or so I thought’.

There’s a website, 1177, where you (in Sweden) can see what doctors, nurses, etc, write about your meeting with them.

Even though I talked (I, not we, she said nothing back, just nodded) about my weight, we never went in to details. So imagine my surprise when I logged in to 1177 a few days later and saw her writing about me being fat. Yeah… fat. She never, not once, said ANYTHING to my face, buy she wrote that about me.

Here’s the thing – yes, I’ve gained weight, yes, it has been gained around my middle, yes, it is 17kg that has been put on there, but there is also the ‘yes, I’ve asked doctors for help, I’ve BEGGED them for help’. I’ve been asking for help since early 2016. NOTHING!! “Nah, your thyroidmedication is working fine!” THAT’S what I’ve gotten from doctors’ working in the very same office as her. Nothing. And as I, agaaain, beg for help, I’m not met with anything more than “we’ll check your thyroid” and then reading about being fat…

If you’ll look below, you can see a new photo of me. All that belly is what I’ve been begging for help for. That is also what I’m being called fat for. Overweight? Absolutely! Fat? Not really.

This photo was taken yesterday, and the weight is the exact same as when I went to see the doctor. (Yeah, I need to clean up, but my back is hurting like hell so it’s just gonna have to wait a few more days.)

So, now what do I do? I don’t know. I don’t even know if they will bother to keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me… They didn’t care last time… I was even told I wasn’t allowed back for the same symptoms!!

Tomorrow, I will go to the gym. I will jog on the treadmill. It’s not something my body is really up for (due to my POTS and way too many tachycardia “episodes” lately), but I am VERY close to desperate. No, you know what, I AM desperate. I can’t go on feeling this bad any longer. I just can’t. This is me, doing whatever it takes, to TRY to get out of this crap situation, because doctors don’t actually care…


Weight, numbers, photos

The week that has now come to and end has not had much in it.

Since 2 weeks ago, nothing has changed when it comes to my weight, I’m on the same number as then. But like I’ve said before, I’m in a lot of pain, I’m taking painkillers, I’m giving all my energy to feeling better. And it’s almost time to get an injection for birthcontrol, so I’m retaining quite a bit of water… So it’s a good thing, I haven’t gained anything 🙂

I have been walking and eating healthy and taking care of myself (I keep looking at the photo I wrote about yesterday, it just makes me happy!)

Oh yeah, I snuk in a cheeseburger there and it was goood!!

The week really went by in a hurry to me. I’ve started to learn better spanish (I’ve bought the Harry Potter books in spanish and I’m reading them no to learn more).

I’ll see you tomorrow!

And I would walk 500 more

My body doesn’t respond well to painkillers, I can take paracetamol (Panodil, Pamol & Alvedon) without any problems. Those are the mildest you can find in Sweden (that you don’t need to see a doctor to get). I can also take Tramadol, something that is a bit like morphine. I’m not too fond of it since I don’t like the clouded mind I get…

The problem here is that I currently have an injured back. A disk went bye-bye… That’s something you normally get really HEAVY pain medication for. Me? Suck it up, buddy! Yeah… Now, on the positive side, I’m surprisingly good at getting injured (you need to be the best at something, am I right?) so being in pain isn’t really something that’s new to me. I tend not to be too bothered by pain (unless it’s my neck or head!!! then it’s straight up KMN please…). But this time… the injury is really low, just a little above my tailbone, and it… is… killing… me… I can’t even put on trousers or a skirt, or even pants, without almost screaming from pain… It’s horrible!!

They told me to walk it off. Literally! Walking will help with recovery. And guess what, it also seem to be pretty good for the pain! It doesn’t make it go away, but it will lessen a bit while walking and for a little while after.

Wait… what was my point in writing this?

…. Right…

Since walking is the only thing I can do right now, I sat down yesterday and made a tracker for my “500 miles” walk.

Nooo, I’m not walking 500 miles in one go. I’m not THAT desperate from the pain! (Yet…)

I love, love, LOOOVE the song ‘500 miles’ by The Proclaimers (David Tennant and the staff from Doctor Who made that obsession even greater!). So I figured, 500 miles and then 500 more. That was ~ 160 swedish miles (metric miles). I do like walking. It’s something I can pretty much always do. Why the heck not?

I’m gonna walk 500 miles and the 500 more! Oh, and I must have a tracker in my bullet journal for it!

So here it is:

I know I’m not the best at drawing this, but I don’t care, I love it!

To the right, the face have x:es for eyes and then there’s sweat and then walking on hands and knees because, well, by then it HAS been 500 miles and 500 more!

The tiny bit of purple in the beginning is what I walked today, 8km. And as I wrote on my instagram ( @jeas_wellness ), “slut” is not me losing my marbles, it’s the swedish word for “finish/the end”.

I like it. It’s something fun that will help motivate me when everything is grey and sad and blaah.

Do you have fun motivaters such as this? Or other?

Another week is gone..

Just over a week ago I injured my back. The train was sooo overcrowded that it just got too hot and my blood pressure droped and I passed out. Now my lower back refuses to get better. One of my disks just went “nooope”… So as for now, walking is all I can do. I do some yoga stretches for my upperback, but that’s it..

Normally, I would update you with how my weight is going, but since I injured my back, I’ve been having problems with bloating, swellings and all kinds of things, so I decided not to bother right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going on a binge or anything (I would in the old days..), I’m just focusing all that I have on my wellbeing.

I haven’t been doing much this week (du’uh), but here are some photos 🙂

I went to Copenhagen Zoo and I finally saw the baby elephant!

The penguins are getting a new living area, so they are staying indoors while they wait. They have a pretty large area to explore and, wow, they are super curious! They walked right up to us!

I’m gonna show you more of my workout tracker tomorrow (and some other fun things from my bullet journal). Aaaand as I’m writing this I can’t remember if I have shown you the tracker already…. well, if I have, you will see something else tomorrow 🙂

Workout tracker

After way too many “POTS days” my body is slowly getting better. The biggest sign of that, is the fact that I’ve actually started to lose weight again! It has taken sooo long… I kid you not, I have been crying myself to sleep more than once because of how bad I felt, both in regards to my POTS and to my physical health because of my weight.

For exactly one month now (today) I have been bullet journaling. Yesterday I saw a workouttracker that some had made, and it inspired my own. I haven’t had a very good one as I could bot figure put how I wanted it. But here it is:

I am so happy with it! (I have already fixed the second o in ‘workout’.)

Today I had a full day at Copenhagen Zoo, I was supposed to wrote down how many steps that turned in to, but my Razer Nabu died at around 13.00… It came go 7160 then nothing, but oh well. I was there for 2 more hours so 🙂

I use my bullet journal for pretty much everything, and it is absolutely BRILLIANT!!

Goodness me I sound bitter now (but it does get better!)

Oh my, about a month since last time…
I’ve had to rethink and replan (wait, is that a word?) my journey to a healthier me. I’ve taken the new advice and I’ve changed the things I’ve been able to so far. Now, it’s the rest of them 🙂

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve gained loads of weight and I don’t really know why. Iäve already lost some over my tummy (no weight, just size).

So yeah, I’ve got that going for me. Good, good… I’m back in the gym, doing physical therapy, and as much of other things as I can. Was I back last time I wrote? I can’t remember…

I’m still having an extremely difficult time losing weight, and I really don’t know why. People tell me that I hould go to the doctors, but you know what? All I get there is “your bloodwork is fine”. That’s it. First the “you need to lose weight” and then a big, fat, nothing. Pun not intended… I have begged for help, but nope, nothing, nada, njet, nej… Ok then, so sorry to bother you and try to get you to do your job and hel me get better and LESS SICK! Weightloss for me is a good thing for hem too. I wouln’t have to come in as often for my back-, neck- and shoulderpains. I wouldn’t have to get as much paracetamol prescribed. I wouldn’t have to take up their time for minor things that weightloss can clearly help with! But no. There’s nothing showing in my blood, so naaah, why bother, right?

Oh goodness me I sound bitter now… I suppose a part of me is. Against them. I have worked so hard for so many years, ON MY OWN. Not asking them for help at all. Now that I need it, I get nothing. So yes, I AM a bit bitter, thank you!

Aaand, deep breath. A really good count to 10 (000)!

So. In related news…
I have added a Little buddy to my kitchen, have  look:

My little adipose I had at work is now living there! All things seen next to it is new. I needed something to make it more fun to eat. I kept forgetting to tak something out of the freezer and had to go out to buy food. And we all now what happens when you do that while hungry…
Turned out I really like balsamic vinegar on my salads, a bit of a surprise really 🙂

I have redone my schedule when it comes to the gym and my physical therapy. I had to, I was slowly losing my mind over it…
All is written down, carefully, in my new bullet journal (awesome btw!!) and I’m getting petty god at doing what I actually have to do. Even things you like doing gets hard to do when they become a must.
In my bullet journal, I have a page for my blog. One page/month to be precise. Every time I get an idea about a blogpost, I write it down there, next t the date I will write about it. That way I won’t forget to check in here 🙂

Oh. Aaand I may or may not have gotten rid of my hair again 🙂

I love it 🙂

That’s a lot of physical therapy

Today is the first time, in a very long time, that I’m doing HIIT. Aaaand I’m already dead by typing that 😉

No, seriously, HIIT and physical therapy is written in my journal, so that’s what’s happening.


You need to write with style, you know that, right?

For those of you that doesn’t know what it says:
Monday – HIIT and physical therapy.
Tuesday – Cardio, physical therapy and core.
Wednesday – Cardio, physical therapy and full body workout.
Thursday – HIIT and physical therapy.
Friday – Cardio, physical therapy and core.
Saturday – Cardio, physical therapy and full body workout.

Yes, that’s a lot of physical therapy. That’s what you get for being intolerant to pretty much all medication that can help you AND have joints that are WAY too mobile… Since I’m not working at the moment, I can put all my energy and focus on my health.

Now, wish me luck, and I will see you later.

Numbers of the day

Down and down 🙂
My POTS has been acting up, again, but things are getting better and the swelling of my stomach is gone.

Todays numbers:
Weight: down 0,4kg
Waist: down 5cm
Largest part over my stomach: down 9cm


Taking those photos taught me to remember to clean the mirror!!!

Today is just another lazy sunday, watching Doctor Who ❤ That and making plans for the week to come – HIIT, cardio, physical therapy x2, food, etc.

I have worked SO HARD for SO MANY YEARS

Today I went for a walk. It was quite long. A whopping 17km with roughly 25000 steps. My feet hurt now… and I have a blister… and I’m cold… And I’m happy.
My POTS started acting up pretty soon. It was really windy and then the air at our first stop (indoors) was really bad. So I’ve had several blood pressure drops during the day. Every single time I went inside, it went south. It has gotten to the point that I can’t even eat without passing out now.

However, the walk was pretty nice. We went to Denmark, got off the train at Kastrup (Copenhagen Airport), then we walked to Field’s at Örestad (I can’t type the danish Ö on my computer). After lunch (fish & chips) we walked aorund to have a look, and then continued north to the central of Copenhagen. We bought something to eat, then headed for the bus back to the airport to take the train home. We were away for almost 6 hours and 45 minutes. This is where we walked:

Like I said, roughly 1,7 metric miles (if I have counted correctly, it’s almost 11 english miles).

We really wanted to stop at a nice coffee shop to have a snack, but ended up Walking by a total amount of ZERO. Or, actually, we saw one, but they didn’ have the kind of yummies we like 🙂 They did, however, have this outside the door:

I have seen those signs so often on instagram, now I finally found one myself!

I love the danish mail boxes:

And the entrance to Tivoli:

Al-in-all, it was a really great day. I am SO happy that my new medication is working so well that I can actually do this! I LOVE going for long walks. I have worked SO HARD for SO MANY YEARS to be able to do it (because of my POTS, it is NOT easy…) and I am so happy that this medication helps me continue ❤

Those were the photos from today, if you want to see a few more from Denmark, you can see them on my instastory at @jeas_wellness 🙂

195 minutes…

195 minutes… That’s for how long I’ve been walking today! Not all in one, but still, that’s 3 hours and 15 minutes! So, I’m gonna go for it, and say my new medication is helping 🙂

The first walk was to Västra Hamnen, with 2 stops. One for a sunday snack and one for some food. This is from then:

The other duck understood that there is a much bigger chance for food if you stand by the little child at the next table 🙂

It was a really nice walk, however I forgot to bring water… don’t forget t bring water…

The second walk was a few hours later at Pildammarna (Pildmmsparken), these are from then:

I tihnk I have a blister under a toe… I can’t find it, but I can feel it when I walk… One sumer, I got 114 blisters on my feet. My feet don’t do too well in warm weather… Nothing helps, absolutely nothing. But I’m used to it now, it doesn’t even hurt to break them anymore.

On another note. It’s sunday, so:
Weightloss – down 1kg.
Centimetres over my waist – down 3,5cm.
Centimetres over my belly – down 2cm.
So yay on that 🙂