I will be right back, just trying to figure some things out 🙂
You know that feeling of hitting rock bottom? THE rock bottom. Your own, personal lowest. That SHOCK of not understanding what happened, how it happened, or how in the world anything could ever get better.
I’ve felt that before. Or I thought so. But I kept on falling.
Now I know that where I have been before was not it. This is. This is as low as I can go. The understanding of that, and actually knowing to 100% (unlike before) that this is it has made an impact.
The last month, I’ve been in bad shape medically and it’s under investigation. Or so they say… By now, I know better than to trust doctors to actually help me.
My talk with the doctor, the first one that sent me to really get checked up, went good. Or so I thought… I told her about my problems with my weight, that it doesn’t matter what I eat/don’t eat or how much I move, I gain weight. And she listened. Again – ‘or so I thought’.
There’s a website, 1177, where you (in Sweden) can see what doctors, nurses, etc, write about your meeting with them.
Even though I talked (I, not we, she said nothing back, just nodded) about my weight, we never went in to details. So imagine my surprise when I logged in to 1177 a few days later and saw her writing about me being fat. Yeah… fat. She never, not once, said ANYTHING to my face, buy she wrote that about me.
Here’s the thing – yes, I’ve gained weight, yes, it has been gained around my middle, yes, it is 17kg that has been put on there, but there is also the ‘yes, I’ve asked doctors for help, I’ve BEGGED them for help’. I’ve been asking for help since early 2016. NOTHING!! “Nah, your thyroidmedication is working fine!” THAT’S what I’ve gotten from doctors’ working in the very same office as her. Nothing. And as I, agaaain, beg for help, I’m not met with anything more than “we’ll check your thyroid” and then reading about being fat…
If you’ll look below, you can see a new photo of me. All that belly is what I’ve been begging for help for. That is also what I’m being called fat for. Overweight? Absolutely! Fat? Not really.
This photo was taken yesterday, and the weight is the exact same as when I went to see the doctor. (Yeah, I need to clean up, but my back is hurting like hell so it’s just gonna have to wait a few more days.)
So, now what do I do? I don’t know. I don’t even know if they will bother to keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me… They didn’t care last time… I was even told I wasn’t allowed back for the same symptoms!!
Tomorrow, I will go to the gym. I will jog on the treadmill. It’s not something my body is really up for (due to my POTS and way too many tachycardia “episodes” lately), but I am VERY close to desperate. No, you know what, I AM desperate. I can’t go on feeling this bad any longer. I just can’t. This is me, doing whatever it takes, to TRY to get out of this crap situation, because doctors don’t actually care…
Oh wow, I lost 1,9kg since last sunday. I’m sure it’s mostly water, since I gained so much while taking painmedication. But good to know it’s getting better 🙂
I also lost 15cm over my belly, where I’m the largest. That’s even better.
Tomorrow I will be back at the gym, finally!!! I haven’t been able to do anything since I injured my back. But now I’m well enough to do some cardio and some physical therapy. Not all and nothing heavy. I’m really excited about being able to go back!
Oh, and I made anothe shopping bag today, this one is for myself 🙂
Printing the words took sooo long and gave me a headache, and my back wasn’t too happy about it either… At the end, my fingers were even shaking a bit when they needed to hold very still 🙂
I like sewing. There’s something very calming over it 🙂
I while ago I said I would make a shopping bag for my mum, and today I actually made it.
I was too tired to iron it, I’ll do that tomorrow 🙂 I’m not sure why the picture is sideways…
My mum bought the 2 white patches in Las Palmas, the palmtree one we found at Stoff & Stil today and decided to add.
I also added a smaller pocket on the inside.
I’m gonna add a button to the inner pocket, I just haven’t found the right one yet. Or maybe I have…. I found a magnetic one at Stoff & Stil… that would be a good one… Hm, I’m gonna have to think about that 🙂
You’re down… You’re so sad… For so many reasons. And you know, you know, that it won’t get better. Not any time soon anyway. And it makes you feel even worse. It makes you even more sad. It’s ripping you apart and you just can’t take how sad you are. You are basically losing yourself.
That’s how I feel at the moment. Lost, cast away from society. Like I don’t matter.
This is not at all like me, I’m a happy and positive person. But even a happy and positive person can fall down so far that getting up again feel like an impossible task.
So there’s the chocolate. And the pepsi. Both are so good at helping you calm down. You feel a bit better. You relax. You even smile. And it can be a pretty big smile!
But then what? What happens after?
You’re sad again. You’re back down in your hole. And you’re feeling worse than you did before. And then, you just keep spiraling down. Out of control. Down, down and further down.
Then, at some point, you stop and you think. What are you doing? Why are you making things harder for yourself? Will that chocolate really make things better? Will that can of divine Pepsi really make things better for you? In the long run, I mean.
Will it really help you?
What have I done? Why am I doing this? Why did I think this was a good idea, or even worth it?
What can all that sugar really do for me? Nothing! Not a damn thing… in the long run.
Actually, on that point I’m wrong. It does do something in the long run. It ruins me, physically. It’s really not good for me.
But it feel so good! But it’s only for a moment…
No. I can’t do this. I need to stop and get out of this spiral before it gets really bad!
It’s sadness, not depression, so I can do it on my own. But I need a plan… (I like having plans!)
Firstly, the source to me being sad?
My horrible backpain (since my injury may 26th), me being 1 paycheck away from nothig, me being so absolutely lonely all the time with no one to talk to, me having close to no money as it is.
I know these can be seen as stupid reasons to be sad. But you know what, if it’s hurting, it’s hurting. That’s just the way it is!
I have about a million notebooks, so why not use one to write out a really good plan for me to use to get back on my feet (as well as I can)?
I’ll keep you posted on how it goes 🙂
(If you have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask. If you want to write something and keep it private, just say so in the comment and I won’t publish it.)
I’m not really happy these days… My last paycheck is a month from now, then I’m back to being poor(er). It’s not like working 50% is making you rich, but it’s a bit better than not having anything.
Because of my diagnosis (2 types of tachycardia, one being disabeling) is making it really har dto find a job. It took me years last time. YEARS! I am now looking at, possibly, more years of nothing and no money, and that doesn’t give a very nice feeling…
So I do the only thing I can do. I wait for the Unemployment office to do theirs (and they refuse to…), while I try to figure out each and every place that could work with my health.
Tt doesn’t give me much to do during the days. After going for a walk and doing my physical therapy (that I can’t do atm, I need to talk to a physical therapist first), I still have to do something. So this is my day now:
– Going for walks.
– Doing physical therapy.
– Learning spanish (on my own, than you Harry Potter en español 🙂 )
– …. taking a nap?
And what more? It’s not like I have enough money to do something, there’s a price to pretty much everything, I went online to find Everything thtI could do for free or for a low price and found a few things. Not much, but it’s something,
Other then that?
Well, there’s always Netflix to get your emotions aimed towards caracters and not real lie. So that’s good too. I guess.
I know I’ve been MIA for a short time, I’ve had som problems with my painmedication, and I’ve been in pretty bad shape. I had to stop taking the medication after only 5 days, I got what they called “withdrawal symptoms” while on it. I got pretty damn ill, I even stopped breathing while sleeping. I can’t even describe how scary it was!
But now I’m better. My back is still hurting like hell, but after the problems with the medication, I’m ok with that…
This week I have nothing on the weightfront, the painmedication is messing that up pretty good…
But I have another topic in mind, something I’ve been meaning to talk about for a while, but have’t gotten the strength to. Looks. Beauty.
As a child, I had golden, red hair:
I will never reember the day I got to daycare in brand new winter clothes, they had both red and pink in them. I was so happy and I felt so pretty! And the very first thing I got from the person taking care of me and my younger brother was that I couldn’t wear that. Didn’t I know you can’t wear red and pink together? That it’s ugly! That kids with my red hair can’t wear whatever we want becuase it will look ugly!
That was the first time. Not the last. Not even close.
Growing up I was always told I was ugly (by grown ups!) and that nobody would ever like me.
As I got older, my hair got lighter and then blonde, with a tiny hint of red in it. It didn’t help much. I was still ugly.
When I was in 7th grade (13 years old) I was waiting outside a classroom, looking at one of my books. I was early, the only one there and a woman walked by. I didn’t know she was there until she spoke to me – “no one will ever want to be your friend as long as you look like that!”
Would you like to guess who that woman was? THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR!
She told me I wasn’t pretty when I “looked the way I did” and I needed to change that if I wanted anyone to love me.
Here’s the thing, it wasn’t even my clothes or anything like that she was commenting on. It was my face… I have really hooded eyelides and the corners of my mouth are pointing down a little bit. This made me look bad and I needed to change it.
I was 13 years old. What exactly did the school counselor think I should do? Beats me, she left. I stood there, trying to figure out what the heck just happened… Then I realized she was right. I mean, peoaple had been telling em I was ugly since I was a little kid, so that was it. I was ugly.
This is me now, without makeup, on a (very) sunny day:
And this is me now, with light makeup:
I have really thin hair, so why bother with it? But I like it this way 🙂
I’m an adult now. And guess what… I still think I’m ugly.
People have told me all my life that I am, so I guess I am. They have never focused on my body, no, it has always been my face. My eyes are ugly because they’re too hooded. My lips are ugly because they point down. I’m ugly because I have freckles (that have gotten pretty ligh these days). I’m ugly because I’m so pale. I’m ugly because my teeth aren’t white enough. I’m ugl because my hair isn’t thick enough.
I could go on and on about why people think I’m ugly, but I won’t becuase I’m getting sad now…
Not a summer goes by without people telling me I should show some respect and stay Indoors (because I’m so pale). I should kill myself. I shuld hang myself. I should drown myself, or “better yet, we should drown you because that’s what you do to vermin”. Or the more common ones that say I’m so ugly I deserve to be raped or murdered (or sometimes both). I look lik a pig and nobody wants to have me around people don’t even like taking photos with me because I’m so pale, “it ruins the picture”…
Yeah. I know. I’m ugly.
A woman once asked how long it takes for someone to get over being treated this way, I didn’t answer her. But I promise I will let you guys know when it happens 🙂
Every now and then someone tells me I look great and I get suspicious, what do they want? What are they after? Oh, they must mean my dress is cute, right? Maybe my purse is pretty? Yeah… that’s probably it.
At times, I still wonder what’s so wrong with me, that I got this wonderful deal in life. Why did people have to treat me like this growing up? But since so many did, it must be true…
I guess I’m just asking for one thing, one simple thing – please don’t make fun of people 🙂
I’m sorry if there’s a bunch of spelling errors, I don’t really feel like going back to correct anything in this post.
If you’re rude to me or anyone else here, I will block you!
Relaaax, everything will be OK!
Or at least that’s how it feels when I’m reading ❤ It’s the one thing that makes me calm down and relax. It’s like everything bad just goes away for a while.
Two days ago I was given painmedication from my doctor. My back is so bad he gave me OxyContin and OxyNorm. That’s morphine!! Do you have any idea how bad it has to be for a doctor in Sweden even THINK about giving someone that? Yeah…
I LOVE not being in pain, but I’m really not feeling too great otherwise from it. I sleep a lot and I’ve even been throwing up (for the second time in my life!!). I can hardly eat…
But the sad thing is that I can’t read… I can’t focus on what I’m reading and I can’t really remember what I’m reading. I didn’t know not being able to read would hurt this much…
I’d like to show you my bookshelf:
I also use it to turn my livingroom in to 2 rooms. One loud and one quiet. As soon as I get a job and get money again, I’m going to buy another that I can fill with all kinds of books too. I’m swedish, so obviously it will be from IKEA 😉 I have my eyes on this beauty:
My favourite thing about reading isn’t just that it helps me relax, it’s the travel-to-different-worlds-thing too. When you’re a few pages in you start to see everything like a mo ie in your mind, amd the more your read, the bigger that world gets. It’s so wonderful! Movies just aren’t the same (don’t get me wrong, I still love movies!). When you watch a movie, someone else is showing you their idea of the world the author is writing about, and it can be so beautiful. But when you read about and that same world is growing bigger with every page… nothing can compare to that ❤
I can easily sit there and read hour after hour after hour. It just makes me feel so good, and happy, and relaxed, and calm.
For a moment, I get to forget everything around me. I get to forget all the horrible things in this world. I get to feel good in the most honest and true way there is!
This last photo is my diningroom table, it is 70 years old and my maternal grandparents bought it after they got married. I absolutely love it! I am currently learning more spanish, so that right there is the first Harry Potter book in spanish 🙂 The painting is bought at SweetLoveSugar at Emporia here in Malmö (www.sweetlovesugar.com), I love all their stuff! I’m gonna post a video on my instagram ( @jeas_wellness ) soon where I will show you my livingroom. I’ve been meaning to do that for some time now, but for some reason it just hasn’t happened yet..
What is your favourite book? And where is your favourite reading spot?
I have kind of bad joints. I guess the best description is that some of them are a bit “loose”. I sprain my ankles all the time, one tiny wrong step and wham. My shoulders are even worse, they are bad enough to give me constant pain. I keep doing something with my hips, goodness knows what, that sends pain down to my feet and make me have stop for a while because I can’t even move my legs. That’s over quickly thankfully 🙂
But my back… oh sweet someone… I keep injuring that damn thing and it is not going away easily. And the pain is so bad. Obviously I’m lucky enough not to be able to take any painmedication because it makes me sick.
What I CAN do for my back is strengthening my core, help it protect my spine and help keep those damn disks in place. Now, if you’ve read this far, you have probably figured out already that there’s a “but” coming. Right?
Here’s how bad my back is, and how weak my core is – I can’t even do all of the easiest physical therapy there is without horrible pain to my lower back!
I used to do deadlifts pretty often, and with a high weight that was a damn fine workout for my abs too, but I need more physical therapy for my shoulders before I can do that again.
So… what else was there? I didn’t know. I found out by chance – yoga!
Yoga once/week turned out to be great for my core! The yoga teacher that’s working at my gym as the perfect kind of yoga for me and my body (though, I DID manage to sprain my ankle at class once…). After some time I noticed how my posture had gotten better. And that I was able to do ALL of the physical therapy I needed. That’s pretty great!
I haven’t been able to go to ypga since last year due to health reasons, and it has taken all the progress away from me. My back and core is back on zero. I need to start over. And I will! As soon as I can move without wanting to kill someone out of pain… It shouldn’t be too mich longer now. All I can do for my pain right now is going for walks.
I’m doing as much yoga as I can at home. It’s not much since I can’t really move my legs like I need to, but it’s better than nothing. I focus on the “can”, not the “can’t”. Well, unless you count this post…. there’s a lot of “can’t” in here 😛 But that’s just to give you an idea of what’s going on 🙂
(And a chance for me to whine a bit, before I can go back to my “can” 🙂 )