You know that feeling of hitting rock bottom? THE rock bottom. Your own, personal lowest. That SHOCK of not understanding what happened, how it happened, or how in the world anything could ever get better.
I’ve felt that before. Or I thought so. But I kept on falling.
Now I know that where I have been before was not it. This is. This is as low as I can go. The understanding of that, and actually knowing to 100% (unlike before) that this is it has made an impact.
The last month, I’ve been in bad shape medically and it’s under investigation. Or so they say… By now, I know better than to trust doctors to actually help me.
My talk with the doctor, the first one that sent me to really get checked up, went good. Or so I thought… I told her about my problems with my weight, that it doesn’t matter what I eat/don’t eat or how much I move, I gain weight. And she listened. Again – ‘or so I thought’.
There’s a website, 1177, where you (in Sweden) can see what doctors, nurses, etc, write about your meeting with them.
Even though I talked (I, not we, she said nothing back, just nodded) about my weight, we never went in to details. So imagine my surprise when I logged in to 1177 a few days later and saw her writing about me being fat. Yeah… fat. She never, not once, said ANYTHING to my face, buy she wrote that about me.
Here’s the thing – yes, I’ve gained weight, yes, it has been gained around my middle, yes, it is 17kg that has been put on there, but there is also the ‘yes, I’ve asked doctors for help, I’ve BEGGED them for help’. I’ve been asking for help since early 2016. NOTHING!! “Nah, your thyroidmedication is working fine!” THAT’S what I’ve gotten from doctors’ working in the very same office as her. Nothing. And as I, agaaain, beg for help, I’m not met with anything more than “we’ll check your thyroid” and then reading about being fat…
If you’ll look below, you can see a new photo of me. All that belly is what I’ve been begging for help for. That is also what I’m being called fat for. Overweight? Absolutely! Fat? Not really.
This photo was taken yesterday, and the weight is the exact same as when I went to see the doctor. (Yeah, I need to clean up, but my back is hurting like hell so it’s just gonna have to wait a few more days.)
So, now what do I do? I don’t know. I don’t even know if they will bother to keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me… They didn’t care last time… I was even told I wasn’t allowed back for the same symptoms!!
Tomorrow, I will go to the gym. I will jog on the treadmill. It’s not something my body is really up for (due to my POTS and way too many tachycardia “episodes” lately), but I am VERY close to desperate. No, you know what, I AM desperate. I can’t go on feeling this bad any longer. I just can’t. This is me, doing whatever it takes, to TRY to get out of this crap situation, because doctors don’t actually care…