Who will ever love you?

This week I have nothing on the weightfront, the painmedication is messing that up pretty good…

But I have another topic in mind, something I’ve been meaning to talk about for a while, but have’t gotten the strength to. Looks. Beauty.

As a child, I had golden, red hair:

I will never reember the day I got to daycare in brand new winter clothes, they had both red and pink in them. I was so happy and I felt so pretty! And the very first thing I got from the person taking care of me and my younger brother was that I couldn’t wear that. Didn’t I know you can’t wear red and pink together? That it’s ugly! That kids with my red hair can’t wear whatever we want becuase it will look ugly!

That was the first time. Not the last. Not even close.

Growing up I was always told I was ugly (by grown ups!) and that nobody would ever like me.
As I got older, my hair got lighter and then blonde, with a tiny hint of red in it. It didn’t help much. I was still ugly.

When I was in 7th grade (13 years old) I was waiting outside a classroom, looking at one of my books. I was early, the only one there and a woman walked by. I didn’t know she was there until she spoke to me – “no one will ever want to be your friend as long as you look like that!”
Would you like to guess who that woman was? THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR!
She told me I wasn’t pretty when I “looked the way I did” and I needed to change that if I wanted anyone to love me.
Here’s the thing, it wasn’t even my clothes or anything like that she was commenting on. It was my face… I have really hooded eyelides and the corners of my mouth are pointing down a little bit. This made me look bad and I needed to change it.
I was 13 years old. What exactly did the school counselor think I should do? Beats me, she left. I stood there, trying to figure out what the heck just happened… Then I realized she was right. I mean, peoaple had been telling em I was ugly since I was a little kid, so that was it. I was ugly.

This is me now, without makeup, on a (very) sunny day:

And this is me now, with light makeup:

I have really thin hair, so why bother with it? But I like it this way 🙂

I’m an adult now. And guess what… I still think I’m ugly.
People have told me all my life that I am, so I guess I am. They have never focused on my body, no, it has always been my face. My eyes are ugly because they’re too hooded. My lips are ugly because they point down. I’m ugly because I have freckles (that have gotten pretty ligh these days). I’m ugly because I’m so pale. I’m ugly because my teeth aren’t white enough. I’m ugl because my hair isn’t thick enough.

I could go on and on about why people think I’m ugly, but I won’t becuase I’m getting sad now…

Not a summer goes by without people telling me I should show some respect and stay Indoors (because I’m so pale). I should kill myself. I shuld hang myself. I should drown myself, or “better yet, we should drown you because that’s what you do to vermin”. Or the more common ones that say I’m so ugly I deserve to be raped or murdered (or sometimes both). I look lik a pig and nobody wants to have me around people don’t even like taking photos with me because I’m so pale, “it ruins the picture”…

Yeah. I know. I’m ugly.

A woman once asked how long it takes for someone to get over being treated this way, I didn’t answer her. But I promise I will let you guys know when it happens 🙂

Every now and then someone tells me I look great and I get suspicious, what do they want? What are they after? Oh, they must mean my dress is cute, right? Maybe my purse is pretty? Yeah… that’s probably it.

At times, I still wonder what’s so wrong with me, that I got this wonderful deal in life. Why did people have to treat me like this growing up? But since so many did, it must be true…

I guess I’m just asking for one thing, one simple thing – please don’t make fun of people 🙂

Ps,
I’m sorry if there’s a bunch of spelling errors, I don’t really feel like going back to correct anything in this post.

Ps 2,
If you’re rude to me or anyone else here, I will block you!

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