I’m so sick and tired… of me…
I just keep gaining weight like crazy. More and more and more… I’ve basically given up… If I had the money, I would get a f**king lipo, THAT’S how sick and tired I am of myself!
But I don’t have the money. And I don’t like “easy fixes”.
I was taught at a very early age that I am useless and worthless. That I’m ugly an that nobody will ever love me. And I accepted that a long time ago too. It’s just the way it is.
But I guess I can still like myself? And why shouldn’t I? Right?
Ok, step 1:
If there’s one thing I know, it’s how to live VERY healthy! Food, working out, relaxing etc.
Do step 1.
Ok, not too hard, right?
Wrong… I also have Postural Ortostatic Tachycarida Syndrome, Sinustachycardia and Syncope to think about. I have to build my days comepletely around those diagnoses if I wanna make it. And you know what, that’s not easy. Most people with this can’t work, but I do. I have the pefect job and great people around me. But it’s not all good, it’s one more thing I need to think about when I plan my days.
And at the moment, my days look like this:
– wake up.
– go to work.
– work 4 hours.
– go home.
– go to sleep.
And repeat again the next day. Sometimes there’s enough energy to be up for a few hours after I come home…
But there are a few things I need to do:
– Workout like my cardiologist tells me to.
– Eat right.
Right now, all I know is that the next few months will be HELL… My PoTS will NOT be happy and I will be a wreck.
I’m gonna update here on a daly basis, it might help me stay sane and it WILL help me remember what I’m doing. Stresslevels will be horrible and that will make my PoTS go Nelson on me (you know, The Simpsons, Nelson – HA!)
The next post, that I will go straight on to writing, will be more of “this is where I am now” and my thought of how to start etc.